Wow, fortunately or unfortunately, God has again directly shaped the circumstances in my life. This time, it happened just hours after I posted my last blog.

I think the spirit of the last blog was: constantly be good to people, sustain a great impression and be diligent in all I do. If you mess up something so bad in the past, I can hope that people will forgive and forget, but I shouldn't expect it. The previous blog posting was written about past relationships, but God used that to let me understand what was about to happen at work.

A little vague, I know.

On the bright side, on another topic, I think I completely killed the Foreign Service Exam that I took yesterday. It was supernatural. All the questions were like perfectly tailored for me. I think He's behind this. We'll see what happens.

Past hurt and broken trust

I am hopelessly naïve to believe that since people can change for the better--and that mistakes are opportunities to learn so long as they are not repeated—they will be forgiven for past wrongs.

A close friend reminded me yesterday that when a person gets so hurt by someone, they may never learn to trust, love and open up to that person again, ever. His honest opinion was that the door was forever closed on those friendships and relationships. I weakly argued that people change and circumstances change. His words were hard for me to hear, but hearing it dissolved my naivete.

I look back on certain mistakes and ways I have been naively hurtful in my past. Instead of having them disappear into a blank slate, I realize that I will have to accept and live with them every day for the rest of my life.

I was compelled to write on my arm today:

power
love
discipline

It's from 2 Tim 1:7, about now having a spirit of timidity but one of power, love and discipline (paraphrased). Reading that really impacted me today.

I met and talked to THE Tom Christensen tonight

I couldn't believe Tom Christensen (senior US State Dept official, over the Bureau of East Asia and Pacific, who handles Us-China affairs; on sabbatical from being a Princeton professor in IR) was coming to my office to talk, and I had a seat at the table. My boss' boss, Admiral McDevitt, accompanied Tom. All around the people were people I knew--various generals, professors--and I, this nobody, had a seat at the table.

He gives a personable and interesting talk on China's bilateral relations with the US and its overall global interests, etc. The normal stuff.

He looks over at my coworker and mentions that he had my coworker in a class before. Though my coworker just came to our office away from a tenured professorship at the Univ of Wisconsin, I assumed Tom meant he was teaching my coworker. While we were standing there waiting to talk to Tom after the talk, I ask my coworker what it was like to have Tom as a professor. He response, "we were both students, I used to look over Tom's papers for him." Funny and unexpected.

Tom finishes up stiff conversation with a bunch of USN flag officers, turns to my coworker and instantly loosens up. I could tell that they used to be good friends.

Tom finishes talking to my coworker and turns to me. All I had to say was "my sister's at Woodrow Wilson, she's graduating this year and she's sad that she didn't have an opportunity to take one of your classes..."

He says, "yeah, they let me teach there, but they wouldn't have accepted me as a student," he jokes. Self deprecating humor, always good to see in a higher official.

This is where the interesting insight starts:

Later, while my coworker and I were walking to our cars, I say to him, "so, what was Tom like as a student? Were you really impressed?"

He turns to me and says the opposite of what I expected, "No, man, Tom was far from brilliant. The thing is, when I look back, the brilliant people didn't really get anywhere. It's about getting things done. There was one guy who was brilliant but now over at the job in .... (blah blah blah examples of his brilliant but underwhelming friends). They start something and never finish it. It's about finishing. The impressive people I know were not brilliant. Tom was a huge partier."

I would supplement his insight by saying that people skills matter, truly caring for (and loving) people matters, who you know matters, hard work matters, etc. But point taken that being brilliant is not the end all, and that average people can ironically do better. Esp good for me bec I'm not that brilliant.

I always wished that I could be brilliant like the Jenns or Lisas of the world. Maybe I can be the Randts or Christensens instead.

I've been flying solo here in DC. According to my pastor, Pastor Thomas: "When you fly solo, you're bound to get shot down." But I am afraid to get deep about real issues with my bros because I hate the pressure to appear perfect, and I don't like being confined to a Christian bubble. Plus, all of my bros that I can get real with are in CA--Yobe, Jerm, Ryan, Bananny, brother Tim.

But I knew I just couldn't go on being a lone ranger.

It hit me when I was reading Acts 13:22 yesterday. Paul is quoting God: "I have found David the son of Jesse, a man after My heart, who will do all of My will." It kinda spoke to me... maybe bec the name David got my attention. Right next to that verse, I wrote "I, David An, will do all (underlined "all") of God's will." Then I signed it, at the same time feeling pretty cheesy.

Since I wanted to do all (underlined) of God's will, I'd better call some bros to wing me. I called Noel. I spilled my guts about how I was flying solo. He asked me if I wanted to do regular accountability. That scares me too, bec it's structured confession of everything bad that I'm thinking with a super spiritual bro... which is scary. Plus, structure = commitment, which equals opportunities for me to mess up and let people down. I said I didn't want to bother him on a regular basis. He insisted. I agreed, starting next Tues, every week.

I was so incredibly happy after that conversation! And I still am. I'm often worried about reaching out to people bec I'm afraid that I'm bothering them in their busy lives. Noel is a lawyer, and he's at the office until 9pm regularly. But I knew that at that moment and every Tues on will be a huge blessing and opportunity to grow! But it's still kinda scary.

Yesterday was pretty scary and miserable on my moto.

I rode my motorcycle out 45 min to play football with the guys. Sprained my right hand (throttle hand) during the game. Then it started raining on my way home. Hand hurt, esp when I squeezed the throttle. Drenched in rain. Slick and dangerous freeway. It was already dark by then, even more dangerous. It was 40 degrees out, and I was freezing. As I was sitting there, scared for my life on the slick freeway but still doing 60mph, I was thinking about how circumstances all added up to be pretty bad for me. Luckily, I got home safe. Joke's on them, I'm still alive.

On my mind:
1 John 4:18
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear.

Sometimes I hesitate to call an friend bec I don't know if they're busy, or if I'm interrupting their dinner or something trite like that. I know that 1 John is talking about a fear that is deeper, maybe like an intimidating fear or deep insecurity. For me, it gives me more confidence to touch the lives of my friends more boldly, but on the condition to I am truly loving and caring for them.

November and December were 2 v rough months for me. I was pretty emotionally, physically, professionally defeated then. January is looking pretty good so far.

Luke 1:19
"I am Gabriel, I stand in the presence of God..."

A testimony and reminder that the other / spiritual world is so very real.

I have been emotionally down for about 3 weeks now. I had my first beamingly joyful smile last night at small group fellowship. I don't think I've sincerely smiled for days.

How I feel in 2 words: broken and defeated. Intense pressure at work, and challenging grad apps have especially been getting me down. Then there are other more personal things in my life--big and small-- that I only feel comfortable sharing with a close bro like Danny Bananny or Yoberto.

I dumped my emotions on Bananny the other day. He said something insightful: "Fruit does not grow on mountaintops, it grows in valleys." True, I must be growing since I'm in an emotional valley, but do I have to feel like such crap?

My bro Noel told me last night on the way to small group that it's all about our eternal perspective that makes struggles seem not so big. Easy for him to say now, or for me to say months ago. I still felt like crap, even though I was tasked to lead worship for small group on my electric guitar last night--which is the last thing I feel like doing these days. My beaming smile actually came out during worship, when I was so happy from pouring out my heart in song.

I think a lot of what is getting me down may partly be from staying away from the light.

1 John 1:5b
"God is light; in him there is no darkness. If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin."

My dad and I had this intense conversation 2 nights ago about the spiritual realm. Really intense, like serious accounts about demon possession. With my work and daily life taking up more and more of my attention, thoughts of another world are replaced by scientific reason and strategic plans for my own future development. 2 nights ago, I was once again scared what I couldn't see. I was reminded of the reality of this spiritual world, ironically in a conversation with my dad, who is probably not even Christian. However, "the one who was born of God keeps him safe, and the evil one cannot harm him." This is a good thing.

Also, about this unity of the "children of God"... I have met girls in the past who seem to be perfect for me in every way except in faith. I can think of so many in my life who are gorgeous, fun, adventurous, well educated. Everything else matches up so well, but we are ultimately worlds apart.

A few weeks ago at church, I saw my buddy Ray's wife in tears during worship. I did'nt know what's going on in her life or in her household, but I had a rare glimpse of her vulnerability to Him and saw her heart. It was the most beautiful thing. I will not settle for anything less.

1 John 5:18
"We know that anyone born of God does not continue to sin; the one who was born of God keeps him safe, and the evil one cannot harm him. We know that we are children of God, and that the whole world is under the control of the evil one. We know also that the Son of God has come and has given us understanding, so that we may know him who is true. And we are in him who is true--seen in his Son Jesus Christ. He is the true God and eternal life."

1 John: 5:21
"Dear children, keep yourselves from idols."

Why the heck did John end this book with this one stand-alone sentence? It's a paragraph in itself. It struck me, and I realized that the things that are troubling me so much--work, grad apps, other stuff I won't mention here--are idols (things that are too important to me) to me. I skipped church last Sun to do my U Penn and UCSD PhD apps, case closed. As I think of this last sentence in 1 John, I am beginning to form this new perspective. I need to do work well, and get my apps done, but I also need to take them off of this pedestal that is emotionally crippling me these days.

I know in the future, I will look back on this time and think that these "devastating" problems are trite. After all, other people in the developing world are dying, starving, or jailed for political reasons. That's also some perspective right there. But emotions are a different thing. When emotions are involved, what is rationally minute definitely gets amplified.

My thoughts are coming together as I write this. I am renewing my perspective in Him, and my problems do not seem so bad anymore at this moment compared to a few minutes ago. Where would I be without Him? I would be defeated by the challenges in my life. Certainly now where I am now, or a part of the wonderful plans He has for me. :)

Doing 100 on the freeway yesterday in the middle of the night, 10 thousand rpms, chest to the gas tank. Sweet.