I have been emotionally down for about 3 weeks now. I had my first beamingly joyful smile last night at small group fellowship. I don't think I've sincerely smiled for days.

How I feel in 2 words: broken and defeated. Intense pressure at work, and challenging grad apps have especially been getting me down. Then there are other more personal things in my life--big and small-- that I only feel comfortable sharing with a close bro like Danny Bananny or Yoberto.

I dumped my emotions on Bananny the other day. He said something insightful: "Fruit does not grow on mountaintops, it grows in valleys." True, I must be growing since I'm in an emotional valley, but do I have to feel like such crap?

My bro Noel told me last night on the way to small group that it's all about our eternal perspective that makes struggles seem not so big. Easy for him to say now, or for me to say months ago. I still felt like crap, even though I was tasked to lead worship for small group on my electric guitar last night--which is the last thing I feel like doing these days. My beaming smile actually came out during worship, when I was so happy from pouring out my heart in song.

I think a lot of what is getting me down may partly be from staying away from the light.

1 John 1:5b
"God is light; in him there is no darkness. If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin."

My dad and I had this intense conversation 2 nights ago about the spiritual realm. Really intense, like serious accounts about demon possession. With my work and daily life taking up more and more of my attention, thoughts of another world are replaced by scientific reason and strategic plans for my own future development. 2 nights ago, I was once again scared what I couldn't see. I was reminded of the reality of this spiritual world, ironically in a conversation with my dad, who is probably not even Christian. However, "the one who was born of God keeps him safe, and the evil one cannot harm him." This is a good thing.

Also, about this unity of the "children of God"... I have met girls in the past who seem to be perfect for me in every way except in faith. I can think of so many in my life who are gorgeous, fun, adventurous, well educated. Everything else matches up so well, but we are ultimately worlds apart.

A few weeks ago at church, I saw my buddy Ray's wife in tears during worship. I did'nt know what's going on in her life or in her household, but I had a rare glimpse of her vulnerability to Him and saw her heart. It was the most beautiful thing. I will not settle for anything less.

1 John 5:18
"We know that anyone born of God does not continue to sin; the one who was born of God keeps him safe, and the evil one cannot harm him. We know that we are children of God, and that the whole world is under the control of the evil one. We know also that the Son of God has come and has given us understanding, so that we may know him who is true. And we are in him who is true--seen in his Son Jesus Christ. He is the true God and eternal life."

1 John: 5:21
"Dear children, keep yourselves from idols."

Why the heck did John end this book with this one stand-alone sentence? It's a paragraph in itself. It struck me, and I realized that the things that are troubling me so much--work, grad apps, other stuff I won't mention here--are idols (things that are too important to me) to me. I skipped church last Sun to do my U Penn and UCSD PhD apps, case closed. As I think of this last sentence in 1 John, I am beginning to form this new perspective. I need to do work well, and get my apps done, but I also need to take them off of this pedestal that is emotionally crippling me these days.

I know in the future, I will look back on this time and think that these "devastating" problems are trite. After all, other people in the developing world are dying, starving, or jailed for political reasons. That's also some perspective right there. But emotions are a different thing. When emotions are involved, what is rationally minute definitely gets amplified.

My thoughts are coming together as I write this. I am renewing my perspective in Him, and my problems do not seem so bad anymore at this moment compared to a few minutes ago. Where would I be without Him? I would be defeated by the challenges in my life. Certainly now where I am now, or a part of the wonderful plans He has for me. :)