David: Antics = my life

2008-03-06T07:15:00.000-08:00

Wow, fortunately or unfortunately, God has again directly shaped the circumstances in my life. This time, it happened just hours after I posted my last blog.

I think the spirit of the last blog was: constantly be good to people, sustain a great impression and be diligent in all I do. If you mess up something so bad in the past, I can hope that people will forgive and forget, but I shouldn't expect it. The previous blog posting was written about past relationships, but God used that to let me understand what was about to happen at work.

A little vague, I know.

On the bright side, on another topic, I think I completely killed the Foreign Service Exam that I took yesterday. It was supernatural. All the questions were like perfectly tailored for me. I think He's behind this. We'll see what happens.

2008-03-03T06:19:00.001-08:00

Past hurt and broken trust

I am hopelessly naïve to believe that since people can change for the better--and that mistakes are opportunities to learn so long as they are not repeated—they will be forgiven for past wrongs.

A close friend reminded me yesterday that when a person gets so hurt by someone, they may never learn to trust, love and open up to that person again, ever. His honest opinion was that the door was forever closed on those friendships and relationships. I weakly argued that people change and circumstances change. His words were hard for me to hear, but hearing it dissolved my naivete.

I look back on certain mistakes and ways I have been naively hurtful in my past. Instead of having them disappear into a blank slate, I realize that I will have to accept and live with them every day for the rest of my life.

2008-02-28T20:04:00.000-08:00

I was compelled to write on my arm today:

power
love
discipline

It's from 2 Tim 1:7, about now having a spirit of timidity but one of power, love and discipline (paraphrased). Reading that really impacted me today.

2008-02-28T17:41:00.000-08:00

I met and talked to THE Tom Christensen tonight

I couldn't believe Tom Christensen (senior US State Dept official, over the Bureau of East Asia and Pacific, who handles Us-China affairs; on sabbatical from being a Princeton professor in IR) was coming to my office to talk, and I had a seat at the table. My boss' boss, Admiral McDevitt, accompanied Tom. All around the people were people I knew--various generals, professors--and I, this nobody, had a seat at the table.

He gives a personable and interesting talk on China's bilateral relations with the US and its overall global interests, etc. The normal stuff.

He looks over at my coworker and mentions that he had my coworker in a class before. Though my coworker just came to our office away from a tenured professorship at the Univ of Wisconsin, I assumed Tom meant he was teaching my coworker. While we were standing there waiting to talk to Tom after the talk, I ask my coworker what it was like to have Tom as a professor. He response, "we were both students, I used to look over Tom's papers for him." Funny and unexpected.

Tom finishes up stiff conversation with a bunch of USN flag officers, turns to my coworker and instantly loosens up. I could tell that they used to be good friends.

Tom finishes talking to my coworker and turns to me. All I had to say was "my sister's at Woodrow Wilson, she's graduating this year and she's sad that she didn't have an opportunity to take one of your classes..."

He says, "yeah, they let me teach there, but they wouldn't have accepted me as a student," he jokes. Self deprecating humor, always good to see in a higher official.

This is where the interesting insight starts:

Later, while my coworker and I were walking to our cars, I say to him, "so, what was Tom like as a student? Were you really impressed?"

He turns to me and says the opposite of what I expected, "No, man, Tom was far from brilliant. The thing is, when I look back, the brilliant people didn't really get anywhere. It's about getting things done. There was one guy who was brilliant but now over at the job in .... (blah blah blah examples of his brilliant but underwhelming friends). They start something and never finish it. It's about finishing. The impressive people I know were not brilliant. Tom was a huge partier."

I would supplement his insight by saying that people skills matter, truly caring for (and loving) people matters, who you know matters, hard work matters, etc. But point taken that being brilliant is not the end all, and that average people can ironically do better. Esp good for me bec I'm not that brilliant.

I always wished that I could be brilliant like the Jenns or Lisas of the world. Maybe I can be the Randts or Christensens instead.

2008-02-28T17:29:00.000-08:00

I've been flying solo here in DC. According to my pastor, Pastor Thomas: "When you fly solo, you're bound to get shot down." But I am afraid to get deep about real issues with my bros because I hate the pressure to appear perfect, and I don't like being confined to a Christian bubble. Plus, all of my bros that I can get real with are in CA--Yobe, Jerm, Ryan, Bananny, brother Tim.

But I knew I just couldn't go on being a lone ranger.

It hit me when I was reading Acts 13:22 yesterday. Paul is quoting God: "I have found David the son of Jesse, a man after My heart, who will do all of My will." It kinda spoke to me... maybe bec the name David got my attention. Right next to that verse, I wrote "I, David An, will do all (underlined "all") of God's will." Then I signed it, at the same time feeling pretty cheesy.

Since I wanted to do all (underlined) of God's will, I'd better call some bros to wing me. I called Noel. I spilled my guts about how I was flying solo. He asked me if I wanted to do regular accountability. That scares me too, bec it's structured confession of everything bad that I'm thinking with a super spiritual bro... which is scary. Plus, structure = commitment, which equals opportunities for me to mess up and let people down. I said I didn't want to bother him on a regular basis. He insisted. I agreed, starting next Tues, every week.

I was so incredibly happy after that conversation! And I still am. I'm often worried about reaching out to people bec I'm afraid that I'm bothering them in their busy lives. Noel is a lawyer, and he's at the office until 9pm regularly. But I knew that at that moment and every Tues on will be a huge blessing and opportunity to grow! But it's still kinda scary.

2008-01-14T07:56:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was pretty scary and miserable on my moto.

I rode my motorcycle out 45 min to play football with the guys. Sprained my right hand (throttle hand) during the game. Then it started raining on my way home. Hand hurt, esp when I squeezed the throttle. Drenched in rain. Slick and dangerous freeway. It was already dark by then, even more dangerous. It was 40 degrees out, and I was freezing. As I was sitting there, scared for my life on the slick freeway but still doing 60mph, I was thinking about how circumstances all added up to be pretty bad for me. Luckily, I got home safe. Joke's on them, I'm still alive.

On my mind:
1 John 4:18
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear.

Sometimes I hesitate to call an friend bec I don't know if they're busy, or if I'm interrupting their dinner or something trite like that. I know that 1 John is talking about a fear that is deeper, maybe like an intimidating fear or deep insecurity. For me, it gives me more confidence to touch the lives of my friends more boldly, but on the condition to I am truly loving and caring for them.

November and December were 2 v rough months for me. I was pretty emotionally, physically, professionally defeated then. January is looking pretty good so far.

2007-12-18T07:05:00.000-08:00

Luke 1:19
"I am Gabriel, I stand in the presence of God..."

A testimony and reminder that the other / spiritual world is so very real.

2007-12-15T09:40:00.000-08:00

I have been emotionally down for about 3 weeks now. I had my first beamingly joyful smile last night at small group fellowship. I don't think I've sincerely smiled for days.

How I feel in 2 words: broken and defeated. Intense pressure at work, and challenging grad apps have especially been getting me down. Then there are other more personal things in my life--big and small-- that I only feel comfortable sharing with a close bro like Danny Bananny or Yoberto.

I dumped my emotions on Bananny the other day. He said something insightful: "Fruit does not grow on mountaintops, it grows in valleys." True, I must be growing since I'm in an emotional valley, but do I have to feel like such crap?

My bro Noel told me last night on the way to small group that it's all about our eternal perspective that makes struggles seem not so big. Easy for him to say now, or for me to say months ago. I still felt like crap, even though I was tasked to lead worship for small group on my electric guitar last night--which is the last thing I feel like doing these days. My beaming smile actually came out during worship, when I was so happy from pouring out my heart in song.

I think a lot of what is getting me down may partly be from staying away from the light.

1 John 1:5b
"God is light; in him there is no darkness. If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin."

My dad and I had this intense conversation 2 nights ago about the spiritual realm. Really intense, like serious accounts about demon possession. With my work and daily life taking up more and more of my attention, thoughts of another world are replaced by scientific reason and strategic plans for my own future development. 2 nights ago, I was once again scared what I couldn't see. I was reminded of the reality of this spiritual world, ironically in a conversation with my dad, who is probably not even Christian. However, "the one who was born of God keeps him safe, and the evil one cannot harm him." This is a good thing.

Also, about this unity of the "children of God"... I have met girls in the past who seem to be perfect for me in every way except in faith. I can think of so many in my life who are gorgeous, fun, adventurous, well educated. Everything else matches up so well, but we are ultimately worlds apart.

A few weeks ago at church, I saw my buddy Ray's wife in tears during worship. I did'nt know what's going on in her life or in her household, but I had a rare glimpse of her vulnerability to Him and saw her heart. It was the most beautiful thing. I will not settle for anything less.

1 John 5:18
"We know that anyone born of God does not continue to sin; the one who was born of God keeps him safe, and the evil one cannot harm him. We know that we are children of God, and that the whole world is under the control of the evil one. We know also that the Son of God has come and has given us understanding, so that we may know him who is true. And we are in him who is true--seen in his Son Jesus Christ. He is the true God and eternal life."

1 John: 5:21
"Dear children, keep yourselves from idols."

Why the heck did John end this book with this one stand-alone sentence? It's a paragraph in itself. It struck me, and I realized that the things that are troubling me so much--work, grad apps, other stuff I won't mention here--are idols (things that are too important to me) to me. I skipped church last Sun to do my U Penn and UCSD PhD apps, case closed. As I think of this last sentence in 1 John, I am beginning to form this new perspective. I need to do work well, and get my apps done, but I also need to take them off of this pedestal that is emotionally crippling me these days.

I know in the future, I will look back on this time and think that these "devastating" problems are trite. After all, other people in the developing world are dying, starving, or jailed for political reasons. That's also some perspective right there. But emotions are a different thing. When emotions are involved, what is rationally minute definitely gets amplified.

My thoughts are coming together as I write this. I am renewing my perspective in Him, and my problems do not seem so bad anymore at this moment compared to a few minutes ago. Where would I be without Him? I would be defeated by the challenges in my life. Certainly now where I am now, or a part of the wonderful plans He has for me. :)

2007-10-31T13:50:00.000-07:00

Doing 100 on the freeway yesterday in the middle of the night, 10 thousand rpms, chest to the gas tank. Sweet.

2007-07-09T10:12:00.000-07:00

Life in DC

Life in DC is so complicated. It's a hub of all of my internationally minded friends. I have to make an extra effort to hang out with compartmentalized groups: Fulbrighters, church friends, FSO and government buddies, Mary's Princeton friends, work friends.

In San Diego, I can hang out with all of my friends and participate in all of the political / cultural events that I want, and still have time left over. Here, I am so overwhelmed with people to see and things to do.

Classic dilemma: future direction

I am applying to go back to school for a PhD in political science and JD in international law. Georgetown is an ideal school for this kind of thing. Dang, I'm going to be in school forever!

Dad in town

It's kind of cool to have my dad living with me here in DC. He's just chillin and looking for work. It's nice to be able to provide for him in just a small way, kind of like how he has always provided for me. Role reversal.

2007-06-09T01:21:00.001-07:00

I sit in my new great apartment, with a new great job, and a great group of DC friends around me--Thao, Ercu, Bob and David, Levi, Ben, Patty. There have been times in the past that I thought life was just too hard, or too hurtful. I couldn't picture a brighter future. But He makes things new... and tomorrow may be a better day.

But this penniless wandering student is now getting locked down to DC. Sad. Less opportunities for spontaneous backpacking trips. However, my office is thinking of sending me off to do research in Baghdad or on an aircraft carrier. Sweet!!!

2007-06-08T15:41:00.000-07:00

I'm fully settled in DC. I rented a 3 bedroom apt, filled it up with furniture, and now feel like a responsible adult for the first time in my life. I also feel like I'm chained to my office and chained to this city. Gone are the days of the penniless wandering student. Bittersweet.

I was shooting assault rifles in Quantico last week. That was kinda cool.

When I was in middle school, I struggled to choose one among many careers: FBI agent, med doctor, missionary, etc. Little did I know that my life would be a sample of a little of each.

2007-03-22T02:30:00.000-07:00

I am going backpacking throughout Taiwan, Singapore, Malaysia and Indonesia for over a month. Life of David, life in mono... for this trip. I will spend most of my time in Indonesia because it is the most fun--meaning cheap and politically dangerous. Indonesia has the following terrorist groups: Abu Sayyaf, Jemma Islamyah, Islamic Jihad. It also has huge Muslim-Christian tensions. Cool! It's a one stop shop for danger and adventure!

Next Monday, I am giving a presentation to US diplomats on the topic of politics in Taiwan and China at AIT, the defacto US Embassy in Taipei. The announcement is below.

---------------

For this noon discussion 3/26 in the GSO Conference Room, AIT has invited David An to share his insight on elections in Taiwan (presidential, local, legislative) and China (village-level) from his year of Fulbright research. He discusses liberal democracy for the Chinese context by exploring Taiwanese domestic politics on its foreign policy and key factors in Taiwan's upcoming 2008 presidential election. He then discusses how China's CCP is cautiously developing village level elections and its socio-economic impact to date.

David shares insight gained from interviewing China's academics, military officers, and civilians regarding the prospect of democracy in China . In Taiwan, he has been interviewed on Taiwan's ICRT news radio regarding this research. Taiwan's Vice President Lu invited him to brief herself and visiting international election observers in a televised meeting at the Presidential Palace in 2005.

2007-01-28T22:07:00.000-08:00

No... I'm not showing off a glamor shot. Daniel Lowe took this candid in his living room while testing his new camera and it turned out well... so I decided to post it.

He also has a great artistic b/w pic of Nick Hsieh (CBC SD). For Nick's pic, he asks: Who is THIS? I respond: Enrique Iglesias... "I can be your hero." http://www.xanga.com/randplaty

2006-12-11T18:43:00.000-08:00

Update: Ok, so my life is getting back to normal now in the sense that strangers aren't treating me like crap anymore... which is a good thing, of course.

The General Hospital in Tijuana

I trekked across the border this morning to get some cheap healthcare. I figure it was time to see a real doctor after losing my hearing for over two weeks due to a severe cold. Even my self prescribed antibiotics (prescription in US, not in Mexico, ha!) regimen over the past week failed to cure my ear infection. I'm sure surfing twice last week, drinking while on antibiotics, and swimming in a nasty mountain pond while on a hike didn't help the situation either.

I don't have med insurance, and the US is too expensive for me--esp given my extra options since I live right next to the border--so I decided to pioneer an experience into Mexican healthcare. I drove down, parked, walked across to Tijuana, ate lunch, caught a cab to the General Hospital and entered a world of mysteries.

What I found at the Tijuana General hospital were roomfuls of stares as I tried to navigate a Mexican med system designed only for its citizens. I decided to ignore every street hawker's protest that I should just go to a private clinic bec I wanted to go to a large and established hospital. I didn't want a shady border doctor who's there to prescribe medical marijuana to any US teenage runaway. I was the only foreigner at a hospital that provided free care for it's citizens. How were they going to bill me? First of all, how was I going to find a registration desk or even figure out what to do?

A warm and helpful lady at information walked me straight through to urgent care, which she insisted was my only option as a foreigner. She promised it wouldn't be expensive, maybe only $10 for a checkup. Sweet!
I totally got special treatment in that hospital, which was one source of my bitterness about China--that I never got special treatment in the Fatherland. My white friends would be treated like royalty while I was kicked to the curb bec I blended in a little too well. Well, au contraire in Mexico. I was rushed to the front of the urgent care line, past all of the critically ill locals who had been waiting there all morning and straight into the doctor's office. Yes, I do feel bad about it.

My doctor was friendly, humble about his English abilities, and extra attentive to me as I explained my symptoms. He checked me out, drafted me a prescription, and sent me on my way refusing to take even a penny. Believe me, I wanted to pay. I asked to pay the hospital, and he declined. I asked to pay him in cash right there, thinking a little bribe would build some goodwill, only to be refused again.

I happily walked out of Tijuana General Hospital with my free prescription in hand and filled it a some pharmacy for $18, then drove home to San Diego. Total time: 3 hours.

It was an interesting experience, and I was most stunned at their willingness to help foreigners as if it was them being hospitable to a personal guest. I definitely can't go back and freeride off of the good Mexican healthcare system in the future. The kind doctor said I can come back in the future, but I feel too guilty for troubling them with this special foreigner case. Each visit would be a theatrical production over there, and I'd rather just pay $30 and risk it with a border doctor or some other alternative.

I know this story sounds really ghetto, but I hope my friends at least found it interesting.

2006-12-08T18:02:00.000-08:00

Please, crap on my head.

Do I have a KICK ME sign on my back? Random people have been treating me like crap for the past few days.

2 days ago after surfing, I was trying to park my car to go to a bank. I signalled as a car was pulling out, but the car behind me went around and cut right into it. I usually block those things, but he looked like he was just going around. I was going to say something, but 4 teenage guys steeped out. I knew I was outnumbered so I just drove away shaking my head. Crap on my head #1.

I'm minding my own business in my backyard this afternoon, sharp shooting my new BB gun and nice scope. I just bought the BB gun 2 days ago. My neighbor starts yelling at me and accusing me of breaking car windows with the air gun 2 months ago. Hello? I wasn't even in SD until last week. He then told me he's reporting me to the cops and will tell the neighbors that I'm responsible. When I told him that I was in DC then, he says: "good alibi." Asshole! I spend the whole rest of the afternoon ringing on other neighbors' doorbells warning them that I'm not the one responsible for their broken windows--a little proactive diplomacy. Still, crap on my head #2.

I'm sitting in Panera bread right now doing some work bec the library closed on me. I little 3 yr old girl just ran outside by herself and headed toward the street. It's a busy parking lot and it's dark outside so cars can't see her. I looked back and ran after her, saying: "where's your mom?" I just wanted to stall her until her parents showed up, or until I could figure out if she needs to go back into the restaurant. Her dad storms out of the restaurant and gives me the dirtiest look, like I'm trying to kidnap her daughter. There's no, "thank you for saving my daughter's life." The look is, "I think you're a dirty rapist, now get away from my daughter." I understand where he's coming from, but nevertheless I feel crapped on.

Joke's on them, I'm still alive.

2006-12-07T15:57:00.000-08:00

I'm a freelance English editor in my spare time. I get paid to grade papers and grad school essays written by Taiwanese students with terrible grammar skills. Here is an example of what I have to edit:

Written by an English teacher: "The SLT promotes through the way of the scenario emulation and the role play, making up the imperfection of traditional English teaching and learning environment, let student through right pronounce euphonic imitation, and role play, learn immediately to use immediately, not only produce the ego of learning affirmation, also ability English conversation lesson well exertive, then reach English the final target of the teaching-all-directions English vocational training."

What the heck is this?! I can't make sense of it. It's beyond editing. I end up rewriting it and making up half of their paper for them. It should be illegal for her to teach anyone English. Funny, but sad.

After some magic, the above statement becomes:

"This research is a successful attempt at documenting substantial evidence to validate the SLT English learning method. The author researched, compiled and inquired into matters concerning the related theories of SLT, then analyzed the relation of learning type and learning results using SLT in the classroom. This research shows that SLT can really improve a student’s learning attitude and performance."

Yes, I am a magician.

More on this type of thing at www.engrish.com, one of my favorite sites.

2006-12-06T14:02:00.000-08:00

Tip: Never pee in the ocean when you're wearing a wetsuit. It's nice and warm for a minute, but then gets trapped inside for a long time... or so I've heard.

2006-10-30T14:51:00.000-08:00

Room for Rent near Washington DC, 600/mo
Dec 06 to Aug 07

I'm moving out of my room in a 3 bedroom apartment complex near Pentagon City. Commuting into DC takes 25 minutes by metro, and it costs way less than DC rent. Room furnished with queen bed, lamp, well furnished living room, kitchen and common areas. The roommates are 2 friendly / professional males in late 30s. Email me at davepeace@gmail.com or call my cell at 858-527-2048 for details and pics.

2006-10-26T15:56:00.000-07:00

I will not have to pay any tuition or TA at UCSD!

I just found out from the UCSD Financial Aid office that they will give me a grant for $8145 over the next 2 quarters. I wrote them a letter 6 months ago saying that I was poor and couldn't afford to pay for school. It took them 6 months to review it in a meeting. Tuition is $4,200 per quarter, so that basically covers both quarters. I was only going to stay for one quarter before, but they would only give me half of the money. I may stay for 2 more quarters now because school is free and I really want to take some more classes on quantitative methods, game theory, and cost benefit analysis for fun. I will decide later if I want to stay for 1 or 2 more quarters.

In the past, I used to be a TA for 20 hours a week to pay for tuition, which limited which classes I could take and occupied too much of my time. Now I can focus more on classes, and take more classes than before. Now I don't have to be a TA to undergraduates. What I want to do is to get a RA (research assistant) job and do research for a famour political science professor (maybe Shirk), get co-published, and get into a good PhD program.

My office here in DC told me informally that they want me back next year. They have a great retirement program here: if I put in 4% of my salary, they match with another 9% of my salary for a total of 13%. I get to invest 13% of my salary into retirement by only putting in 4%! That is incredible. I'm applying for a lot of different jobs right now, some in government and others like Boston Consulting and Bloomberg Finance.

I helped my office organize "The National Maritime Strategy" conference these past 2 days. I spent time with 170 generals, admirals, and professors in political science and military strategy. I met a lot of people, including the president of the Navy War College, Navy Post-Graduate College. I also found out that the president of my company is a retired professor at Harvard Kennedy School, and my division director was a 4 star admiral. It was an exciting 2 days as the personal assistant to the Admiral, who was in charge of the conference. Whenever he had a problem, I solved it. He kept telling people how impressed he was that I could solve all of his problems. I also took extensive notes on panel discussions for him. I rarely feel like a "nobody" at professional / academic events, but I definitely felt out of place at this conference because everyone was so famous in the high level military, or was a well known professor.

I put in my 2 week notice to quit my Hilton job. It's very stressful and low pay. I will leave DC in 5 weeks anyways. I want to have time to visit Mary in Princeton before I go.

I'm so excited! I'm going back to San Diego soon! I get to be a student again and learn! UCSD is paying for my tuition! I can live at home with mom, hopefully for free. Adam is letting me borrow his handgun! Debbie is letting me borrow her surfboard! My car is in the garage there! I have a job in DC lined up for me after I finish UCSD no matter what! Wow, life is good!

2006-10-20T07:13:00.000-07:00

Strange Dream

I had a really strange dream last night. I'm not sure why I feel compelled to put it on my blog for the world to see. Here goes:

So I'm hanging out in Guatemala or Peru. I think Antigua, Guatemala, or at least how I imagine it. Then, for some strange reason I feel compelled to drench myself with water out of some tub on the side of the road. Maybe it was a hot day. It's strange, because I don't think I was in my right mind during the dream when I did this. I stripped down completely, and then doused myself with water using a 1/2 gallon milk container. Then when I realized that I was standing in the middle of the city naked, decided to run home. I don't know why I didn't just put on my clothes, but I think I had some strange reasoning about not getting them wet. I just ran swiftly for miles and miles, while trying to cover myself as best I can with an empty milk container. Embarrassing! There were a lot of stares. I felt embarrassed, but shameless for having the audacity to pull of such an act, all at the same time.

It's strange how people are not 100% cognisant in dreams--at least I'm not. I end up doing some strange things and acting without full consideration of consequences. Why is that? In dreams, I get stuck in a certain path of decision-making in which it is difficult to deviate. I think dreams give me a glimpse of how some people actually make decisions in their daily lives, or at least the mindset that forces people to choose strange courses of action.

I think I've just been reading too much world news lately, since I think these thoughts are heavily influenced by what I see--suicide bombings, armed robberies, Islamic Jihad against Western influences. I think, just as in my strange dreams, people in real life can actually be stuck on a path and certain mindset where if they were removed from the circumstances--ie moved to a more peaceful, supportive, diverse community--they may actually feel like they have "awakened" from their past course of action.

I'm not talking about irrationality in the leadership of massive ethnical or political struggles. I'm fully convinced that the leadership has a clear strategic calculus in pursuing what appears to be irrational. I'm referring to the followers of such leadership, who may not be as calculating, and are the ones who act out of their surrounding pressures, family expectations, "culture" that enforces a single mindset.

I'm not equating the gravity of our major contemporary world struggles with my trite dream about running around a Latin American city naked. I'm just saying that my dreams lend me insight into how people can make desperate decisions based on what I perceive as irrationality. My dumb dream is just my most extreme case of REM, which is probably why I felt compelled to share.

Or maybe I should stop over-analyzing things. At least I finally found a job that values my ability to over-analyze relationships: defense analyst.

2006-09-29T11:28:00.000-07:00

Two books I'm currently reading.

2006-09-29T11:17:00.000-07:00

Shotokan Karate

I have been training in Shotokan Karate for only a month now. Three lessons a week ensure that I maintain my razor sharp martial arts skills - to complement my other skills: "nunchuck skills, computer hacking skills, bo-staff skills." (Napol Dynamite movie line)

I'm only a yellow belt, but the system is kind of unfair because you need to start fresh everytime you change a martial arts type. For instance, I've had a year of taekwondo, then another form of karate, judo, wrestling, boxing, but I'm still a yellow belt in this new form. Then I also have to memorize this whole new set of movements, and my old sets are not obselete. Plus, it's even kind of a liability... "Stop throwing your shoulders like a boxer when you punch!" my sensei always yells at me.

A few things that inspire my return to karate training include getting chased down the street by a homeless bum on crack 2 weeks ago, and experiencing that 5 on 1 barfight in Taiwan 4 months ago. I need to be able to hold my own, not run away from a cracked up bum like a little girl.

I don't have a car here on the East Coast, so I have to ride my bike 30 hr to the dojo and back, up and down big hills. Getting there is a workout in itself. Just wait until the weather gets colder and my fingers freeze and fall off.

2006-09-28T15:07:00.000-07:00

Ahhhhh... back to quarter life crisis mode?!

4 days ago, while attending a talk by Admiral Roughead (Commander of the Pacific Fleet) a gentleman stood up and introduced himself as the only MD among the crowd of international policy expert PhDs. Finding an MD in this kind of environment really intrigued me, so I approached him after at shared my bio background from the Berkeley days.

Today, Dr. Robert Morrow dropped by my office and we talked for over an hour and medicine, public health, policy, government. Him and I are so similar on the inside. We both have the compassion that drives us to help people one on one as a physician, but also the desire to want to do more to impact the world.

He was a living example that you can be an MD and still work on IR issues. My biggest reason for not going to Med school was so I wouldn't get stuck in a hospital and die from repetitive boredom. He was the first living example of the type of MD / diplomat that I want to be, aside from Dr. Sun Yat-sen, MD... but I said "living" example.

So... crap!! Again, back to the classic question: Medicine or political science? I feel like I'm 22 again, only with a Masters under my belt. I like both, and I'm good at both. Shoot! Now it's between getting an MD or PhD. I know I'm going to get one, just not sure which one. Both might be too nuts, especially spread across different disciplines.

In terms of the MD consideration, I guess I'm in the same bind as our friend Jennifer Hwang at Microsoft. ;) Maybe we'll end up going to school together as the motley pair - an EECS with MD and a politics with MD.

2006-09-27T07:55:00.000-07:00

Finn and Porter, Hilton

I just started working last weekend at the Finn and Porter restaurant inside of the Hilton. It's fairly high-end. They specialize in seafood, sushi, and steaks. People spend $45 per person there on average, and leave $10 tip per table. I decided to work there because I like the atmosphere, but didn't want to pay to be there.

The best part of working there is eating the food from the back kitchen. When orders are wrong, I get to eat them - crab cakes, lobster bique soup. Plus, staff get free food in the Hilton cafeteria for lunch and dinner, which saves me $600 a month on groceries / eating out.

I'm trying to try to transition into bartending, which is more relaxed, social and fun. I'm going to ask a few of my friends behind the bar to teach me some stuff. I like the restaurant experience bec it's something I can do anywhere, even temporarily, to get some quick cash.

2006-09-20T15:25:00.000-07:00

Article I wrote, trying to get published at Washington Post:

THAI COUP: MILITARY ELITES DISENFRANCHISING THE POOR

I was first deeply impressed by Thailand the year I studied abroad in 2001, when I decided to backpack through Southeast Asia. As I crossed over to Thailand through one of its neighbors, my surroundings changed dramatically. I moved from dirt road to pavement, citizens were better fed and healthier, my surroundings became cleaner and more organized.. I could see that Thailand was truly a social and economic leader in the region. This Thailand was free, democratic, and stable. It was a place that foreigners loved to visit, and Thai’s could be proud of.

Then the recent news - a military coup? Is this Thailand… a leader in Southeast Asia? I thought coups were a thing of the past… are we in the 21st century?

Coup Proofing China and Taiwan

Other countries in the region guard against a military coup through institutional design. China’s Hu Jintao is the current president, but also the chairman of both the Central Communist Party (CCP) and Central Military Commission (CMC). To former President Jiang Zemin’s dismay, Hu is slowly retiring the old guard and stacking the military deck with his loyalists. With a strong CCP background, and as the only non- People’s Liberation Army (PLA) member of the CMC, he ensures that the military falls subservient to the CCP.

Across the Strait, Taiwan has a military that was predominately Kuomintang (KMT) in the early days post-WWII but has since balanced out by incorporating more “locals,” aka benshenren, with a Democratic People’s Party (DPP) affiliation. This is how the current popularly elected DPP leadership keeps the wealthier and historically more powerful KMT in check and prevent a Thai-style coup. Hundreds of thousands of people are protesting DPP President Chen today, but you are not going to see a military coup any time soon. The balanced military will not move against the DPP. It is just not institutionally viable.

Contrary to the previous examples, Thailand’s history, with its 18 coups since 1932, shows that the military and government are deeply intertwined. Until this current coup, the most recent had been a bloody right-wing coup in 1976. Then comes a period of civilian rule until another brief period of military rule from 1991 to 2992. It appears that Thailand is a place where a coup – viewed as an rare occurrence in the West – is in itself a political equilibrium.

Voter Responsibility

The road toward full democracy can be long and hard, as America is learning in Iraq, and it is the aggregate citizens who walk down that road who must take full responsibility for their decisions. Thaksin’s Thai Love Thai Party (Thai Rak Thai, TRT) was elected by the people in 2005 through a Parliamentary majority. He won by a landslide in the North, Northeast, and Central regions during both 2001 and 2005 legislatives elections. His voter base is in the rural North and Central, with only 1 seat coming from Bangkok. In 2005, his coalition won 375 out of 500 (75%) seats in the legislature, with the Democratic Party coming in a distant second at 96 seats (19.2%). The more recent 2005 election is disputed since several political parties boycotted it, but Thaksin’s party led the results in the previous 2001 election by taking 49.6% of the legislature with the Democratic Party at a distant second at 25.6%. Fortunately or unfortunately, in a real democracy, you get what you ask for – the people asked for Thaksin.

In a democratic system, citizens cannot lay blame on a dictator, they can only point to themselves for choosing the official, directly or indirectly depending on the electoral system. This is also a reminder for disgruntled Democrats in America and KMT in Taiwan. Depending on the legal system, citizens can choose to elect a new candidate in the next election or remove the current representative through a referendum. Struggling through politically difficult times while operating within democratic boundaries is a part of the learning process that makes younger democracies more effective, responsive, and govern more responsibly. The emphasis is on continuing the process of democracy, not scrapping it due to a single unfavorable result.

Costs the Poor, and Benefits the Military Elites

Thai general Sonthi Boonyaratglin, the coup leader, gives the reasoning for the coup: mending the rifts caused by Thaksin that have polarized the country. Why is this a problem? Differing viewpoints are a sign of a healthy democracy because it leads to healthy debate. The US has an effective separation of powers - Executive, Legislature, and Judicial – that sparks debates, and even political fissures, but that’s the point. “Harmony” through conforming to the one official party line is dictatorship.

The real motives are clear when we examine the winners and loser. The balance sheet shows that the Thai military is gaining by preserving the status quo by hindering Thaksin’s alleged military shuffle. Thaksin has already appointed his cousin General Chaisit Shinawatra, to lead the army. General Sonthi is preserving the current military hierarchy because he, and other like him at the top of the military pyramid, is the biggest loser in the event of a reshuffle.

This coup occurs at the cost of popular decision by going against public will, especially in the rural areas. The coup will invalidate Thaksin’s supporters, most of whom live in the Northern and Central countryside, who voted Thaksin’s party into office in 2001 and again in 2005. During the current crisis, the news coverage of protests will highlight the extremes and marginalize the moderates, so public outrage against Thaksin appears stronger than the reality. Our only official record is the vote, and at the time of the 2001 and 2005 legislative elections the public voice was clearly in Thaksin’s favor. In principle, this coup is an act of disenfranchisement, not of a current or future election, but of the previous election when millions voted in Thaksin’s favor.

On 19 September 2006, Thailand’s military took their entire people a step backwards into their turbulent past by attempting to solve electoral issues through military might. Hopefully, the Thai people will truly break from the past soon to take another step forward as a positive example in political stability, democratic institutions, and voter’s voice to its regional neighbors.

David An

Researcher
Center for Strategic Studies ~ Project Asia
Center for Naval Analysis Corporation

US Fulbright Fellow, ‘06
Taiwan ~ Elections

2006-09-01T10:31:00.000-07:00

Letter to my younger cousins on grantseeking that my friends may find helpful:

I recently took a trip to the Foundation Center in Washington DC to research grants for our new "China Study Center" at work. My office actually paid me a $200 a day salary to go learn how to apply for free money. That was cool.

I was tasked to look at "non-profit" funding, since my company has a non-profit 501(c)3 status. But, I also looked into individual grantseeking and scholarship info. I found that there is so much money out there for students like me and you, and we just need to have the patience and assertiveness to apply for it.

Below are some good links:
http://foundationcenter.org/

http://foundationcenter.org/getstarted/faqs/html/finaid.html

http://foundationcenter.org/getstarted/guides/student.html

There is limited info on their website, and they keep trying to sell subscriptions to their database for quite a bit of money, since that is how they make money. However, the good news is that you can use their entire 500,000 grant database in one of their office libraries for free. They have locations in NY, DC, and SF. I highly recommend a half day trip over there to look at their collection of books and electronic database. The places have a dozen computers, so there are plenty of electronic access. The computer search has subject fields that really help you narrow down grants that apply to you. Plus, they have books that list grants and also books that teach you how to write your grant proposal.

I took 2 free hour long seminars - basic proposal writing, proposal budgeting. I also recommend that you take these free seminars. There are no gimmicks, just helpful information and teachers who speak from experience. Day-long seminars cost $190, but you may be able to go for free on a scholarship.

Grantwriting skills are so impt for you now, and could be a big part of your future - esp if you get a PhD and need constant research funding. It is the backbone for non-profit finance, consulting in the public sector, and virtually all international development projects. You might as well learn it while you are young.

2006-09-01T10:29:00.001-07:00

Letter to my younger cousins that my friends may find helpful:

Here are some tips for the younger cousins, a lot of which I learned this week from talking to professors who are my coworkers here...

(1) If and when you get your PhD, be sure to go straight into teaching as an asst professor for a few years before going into work outside of academia (private sector, govt, etc). It is easier to go from being a professor to working for a consulting firm (1 ex) and back to being a professor, than if you were never a professor at all. It has to do with publications, credibility, experience, etc. Uncle1's experience shows us that teaching at a university is a great way to retire. So not teaching right after grad school would limit yourself out of academia, who do that?

(2) Get grants. Apply for the Rhodes, Marshall, Fulbright, etc. Receiving grants puts you on the "gravy train," as Mary and I joke, meaning that once you get one, others follow more easily. Getting a grant for research validates your work, tells others that what you do is impt enough for people to fund, and reflects on the quality of your research. Bad research is hard to get funded, and getting funded prompts people to throw more money at your later. Plus, independent grants are fun and give you so much freedom to do whatever.

(3) Positioning. One interesting lesson I learned in DC is that the job doesn't usually go to the most qualified (edu, experience), but to the best positioned. Positioning, to me, refers to qualifications plus where you are and who you know. It is the combination of education, experience, living in a "cluster" for what you do (politics = DC; business = NYC; bio = SF, SD) to benefit from the "positive externalities," and being connected to the right people.

Continuing on with positioning... I have a surfing analogy. I like surfing analogies bec I'm often out in the ocean during a beautiful sunset waiting for a wave and thinking about life. With positioning, education is like your board, experience is past surfing experience, but without good positioning you might as well be on the beach holding a board and looking at the waves. You need to be out there, properly positioned, to catch the wave. This means timing the wave break (hiring cycles), exact breaking distance from the shore (geographical location), the right amount of paddling (pursuing your goal), and keeping the nose of the board just 1" above water (being careful, paying attn to all other factors). I think this surfing analogy also works well with getting a gf/bf, work, applying for schools, etc.

I feel like a freak for writing a long email about random thoughts and surfing analogies, but I thought it might benefit you guys to just take a lot at what I consider valuable lessons. I really care about my extended family and want to help you succeed according to your own goals. I'm humbled when compared to our parents, who have so much more experience than me, so I really don't claim to know everything. I hope I didn't sound like a "self help" book.

2006-09-01T10:29:00.000-07:00

My new address is:

David An
4701 Kenmore Ave, Apt 1018
Alexandria, VA 22304

cell: 858 527 2048

2006-07-04T08:48:00.000-07:00

Back in SD, going to DC.

I am off to DC to do political analysis on China for the summer. Then I return to UCSD to finish up my MA at IR/PS.

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Bought a new Thinkpad X60s, and loving it! My crappy old emachines laptop (never buy emachines), which always used to shut down from overheating, finally died on me when I needed it most inTaiwan. It would shut down abruptly at least once a week. The software part ran fine, but the cheap thing was just so poorly designed.

However, I'm continually impressed with my new Thinkpad. It's 3.5 pounds, runs fast and cool, and has a 8 hr battery! I only need to plug in at home after using it all day around town. The screen is a small 12", but I use it with a larger flatscreen monitor at home.

My tip is to always go with either IBM or Mac Powerbook. These are the serious machines, with no money wasted on flashy designs and broken promises.

2006-02-11T23:57:00.000-08:00

Dog eating ice cream! Sweet!

2006-02-11T23:51:00.000-08:00

Going to Shanghai next weekend to continue with my Fulbright research on the US-China-Taiwan political environment. I'm starting out by attending a Fulbright annual research forum in Hong Kong next weekend, then training up to Shanghai after.

2005-12-22T06:12:00.000-08:00

4 months ago, first week in Taiwan. Me, Rachel, Levi, sis, Ryan.

2005-12-22T06:10:00.000-08:00

Taipei Chinese American Church Anniversary Party. Kevin (accountability partner), Nicole, Anne, me.

2005-12-22T06:09:00.000-08:00

Minister of MOFA (Foreign Relations) giving a press conference speech.

2005-12-22T06:08:00.000-08:00

Taiwan's Minister of Foreign Affairs (US Secretary of Statecounterpart)

2005-12-22T05:51:00.000-08:00

Missing Weddings

Lessons learned: Do not leave the country at around 25 years old.

Ryan Longfield is getting married this week.
Daniel Lowe is getting married in mid March 2006.
Jenn Hwang is now engaged.
Jeremy Chien is now engaged.

This is definitely a critical time. It's an interesting time of transition for a lot of people close to me, and I don't know what to think of it. I'm a little sad at all of the changes, but I should be happy for them for this important step in their lives.

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I should definitely be in better contact with close friends by calling them. I think that not knowing what a friend is going through at a certain time is a bad sign.

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PhD

I'm applying to 4 PhD programs in political science right now: Johns Hopkins, Georgetown, George Washington, Harvard. I rate my chances of getting into a single program at 30%, which is low. That's because these are top programs.

2005-08-16T17:11:00.000-07:00

Taiwan

I just arrived in Taiwan late last night and took a bus to Taichung. It's nice being here with family again and I'm eager to start the year in Taipei!

Time with God

I love traveling by myself bec time alone is time spent with God. I did a lot of reflecting and reading on the flight over here, especially about how dangerous it is to be a Christian while living / working deep inside the secular world. Few Christians can really step up to the challenge, since working the politics / entertainment / business world is much trickier than life in the sciences / research / ministry. A parallel that I drew, in my mind, is that it is like a diplomat being sent overseas. Their loyalty and trust must be unmatched in order to overcome the temptations (bribes, espionage) abroad, and this is done through rigorous training, looking at their domestic track record, security clearance, and polygraph. How much more so must a Christian stand stronger in their fellowship while working in the more sensitive and worldly jobs. If they can handle it and if called, they should definitely go but first make sure that their loyalty is unquestionable.

Red Hat
I bought Red Hat with an exit strategy of divesting in exactly 3 months from time of purchase. I researched their SEC filings and determined that they were undervalued at $10 a share so I bought $1500 3 months ago. I recently sold at $15, receiving $1950... which is a 38% return over 3 months. I'm very lucky, and I do mean luck. My biggest lesson from this is to not touch stocks because it's such a gamble without inside information... and even then it's illegal.

2005-06-01T21:03:00.000-07:00

Dang, my stock is dropping! Haha!

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I'm so sick with a severe form of the flu. I'm at the tail end of it though. I was so sick I had to miss Mike Lin's wedding in LA at the last minute... sad.

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I'm in the middle of finals now. My agenda:
(1) Int'l economics final today.
(2) 25 page PhD level "bioterrorism" paper due in 5 days.
(3) 7 page paper on "negotiating with Palestinian terrorists" due in 7 days.
(4) Final exam for finance class in 8 days.

2005-05-24T12:12:00.000-07:00

Red Hat

I sold my Microsoft stock bec I was dumb and thought that their new XBox would come out soon, but I was wrong. I bought Red Hat (Linux) stock because it looked like it had major growth potential in the medium term and the price seemed undervalued ($11 now, was up in $50s 2 years ago). I gained 15% on it in a week, which is way higher than the benchmark 10 yr T Bill. I'm just trying to beat the T Bill, plus I'm more risk loving as a young adult. I'm also well aware that with more risk, quick gains can also become quick losses. It's no big deal for me because I'm in it to learn, to be a player in the game while I'm still young and figure some stuff out about capital markets.

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Late night swim in ocean last night.

Last night, 12 of us went to La Jolla Cove at 10pm and swam out 1/2 a mile into the cold dark ocean. I didn't have my wet suit on me so I went in shorts. It was so warm! The water felt like a cold pool, not like the usual ice cube coldness I'm used to from months before. Plus, the ocean was so calm last night. We had a great time! Out glow sticks lit up the surface of the waters, and the water glowed every time we stroked and kicked because of the bioluminescent algae. It was so cool and so unreal to have bright lights appear from a stroke of the arm!

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DC

I just got back from spending a week in DC. I visited my old office at State Dept headquarters and hung out with the old staff at the China office and Regional Security.

The Taiwanese "ambassador" gave me 3 hours of his time on Friday morning. I asked him academic questions on Taiwanese elections.

2005-05-10T14:50:00.000-07:00

Microsoft

I bought $1300 worth of Microsoft stocks because I thought that they were releasing a new game console within a month. After I bought it, I found out it's actually a year before they will release. I sold it for a $2 loss, but $15 transaction fee.

I just bought 125 shares of RedHat at $12 a share, $1400 total. It's v risky because I really don't know the software industry. I'm playing a dangerous game. I aim to cash out at +3 or -2 dollars for a $300 gain or $200 loss, depending on which comes first.

My strategy sucks and I know it. Haha!

2005-04-04T09:22:00.000-07:00

Zion, Moab, Vegas, Grand Canyon

Haven't blogged for 3 weeks and so much has happened - Zion hiking, Moab mtn biking, and backpacking down to the bottom of the Grand Canyon. I wrecked the oil pan on our rental car (w/o insurance) when I secretly took it off roading and had to pay $260 to fix it. Sad. We also snow camped in Grand Canyon, which was a first for me. It was freezing. But I'm up $50 from Vegas, yeah!

I ran over my head

I just got back this past weekend from 4 wheeling in the desert (Anza Borrego). Me and 8 guys went out for bbq and dirtbiking. The quads go really fast, maybe up to 50 mph, which is fast for off roading. I did some jumps and landed the quad on my leg. I rolled off onto the ground and thought for sure I broke my leg, but luckily my bones were fine. Then on the way back to the campsite, I took a turn too sharply down a steep hill and my quad threw me off the front right side. The quad kept going forward and ran over my head, which was pretty funny. Luckily, I was wearing a helmet, or else it wouldn't be so funny. I was laughin so hard, but my friends were shocked because they thought I was hurt.

Taiwan or DC?

My professors recommend that I go to DC to start on my career. I want to go to DC for a million practical reasons. Plus, I'm tired of people always telling me how crazy I am, or how "unstable" I am in my career path. But the strange thing is that when I pray about it, I feel like God is telling me to go to Taiwan. I'm like, "Noooo! I want the money and stability, plus I'm getting old." I'm pretty convincted to go to Taiwan so far, but it goes against practical reasoning.

2005-03-12T23:19:00.000-08:00

Sharing God and beers

To most American Christians, the title is totally taboo. What?! Beer?! How UNGodly. Haha! :) Some of my best witnessing and evangelism has been over a couple of beers. I've found it to be a good way to connect with people and talk about deeper issues.

I chilled with my old high school acquaintances Calvin Lee, Erik Okada, and Ryan Matson (married to Jeanie O'Brian) yesterday over sushi, hot sake, and beers. Erik and I talked about philosophy (Nietzche, Heidegger) at little while we waited for the other two. It was great because we were both really open and respectful about your views. We asked each other good questions and provided good answers. The talk led to ethics, which ultimately led to the existence of God. Him being con and me being pro, of course. It made me realize how much TAing this philosophy class was such a blessing for me to understand how people who are not Christian think.

I've also learned that peripheral arguments like philosophy may help guide the discussion toward Christ. But the ultimate point to emphasize is, "John 3:16 God so love the world that He gave His only Son so that those who believe may not perish by have eternal life." Just as importantly would be "Romans 6:23 For the wages of sin is death but the gift of God is life through Jesus Christ our lord." This is ultimate wisdom, knowledge, and philosophy; but Jesus warns us that in the eyes of the world it is utter foolishness. I pray that I point them beyond that initial reaction and toward the Father so that they will be loved and blessed for an eternity.

Some reminders for my friends:
To my non Christian friends reading this - Sex is not "bad," but should be in the right context. It's good. Kissing is also not bad, saving it for the altar is good, not saving it for the altar is also good.

To my Christian friends reading this - alcohol is not "bad," but being out of control is bad. Alcohol can be good, according to Paul and for the sake of reaching out to others.

It seems simple enough, but you'd be surprised how much culture plays into our faith, which is not good. When I share Jesus with people, I'm sharing "the way," not exporting American values and culture. Our faith transcends culture. A lot of people out there hate American politics and culture, so it will do us no good to associate our faith with this culture if we're really trying to reach them.

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Hyatt

I took them out to Japengo at the Hyatt in La Jolla during Happy Hour and covered the bill. I didn't think it was going to be too expensive, but it was very expensive. Darn!

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Sam's Wedding

I went to Samantha and Trevor's wedding today. They had their first kiss on the altar and the whole room broke out laughing! Trevor was full on trying to make our with Sam, who was trying to push him away! Haha!! I wish I had it on video. That guy was aggressive!

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Napoleon Dynamite is the greatest movie ever!!! And at least Eleasa Tang from CBC agrees, most people don't.

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Hostage

I saw Bruce Willis' new action packed movie, "Hostage," last night. It's such a guy's movie with swat team action and stuff. I saw it with a friend who is going into military intelligence and another friend who just got tortured in the desert for a week. The second friend is a US Navy fighter pilot who went through interrogation training where they march around for 6 days without food, then get captured, beaten, tortured, and psychologically manipulated by fake enemy fighters. It was definitely the right kind of company to watch this kind of movie.

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My research papers.

I put a bunch of my research papers online if you are interested in seeing how much of a nerd I am. Actually, I think they're cool papers on the future of IR in East Asia. Warning, my earlier papers are not as good as recent papers.

www.geocities.com/antawei1

2005-03-11T12:02:00.000-08:00

Sharing Christ with my students was so scary

Today was my last discussion section, so I took the last half of the class to give them my take on all that we had learned. Our readings and lectures have all pointed in the direction of: "The Renaissance was a shift from faith to reason." As if faith runs counter to reason. We read Nietzsche ("God is dead"), Marx, Heidegger, etc. Basically, the theme was that science disproves religion. My views were the exact opposite.

I started by recapping on the differences between the philosopher and scientist, based on my previous blog from last week. I stressed that, from the readings and from my personal experience, science has pointed me toward God and Jesus Christ. I talked about genetics, art, beauty, and the second law of thermodynamics (toward disorder). Then I talked about how philosophers don't know jack about science, etc.

It was so scary, but I was convicted by God that I should share this with them today. It would be easier to disobey, but I don't want to be His useless tool.

Ok, I'm in office hours now and a student is asking me to regrade his philosophy paper. Ttyl.

2005-03-07T17:11:00.000-08:00

Brilliant car wash idea

My new Accord Coupe is black and hard to dry well after washing because it gets water spots really easily. 2 nights ago when it was raining really hard, I came up with this brilliant idea of washing it with rain water. I put on my boardshorts and soaped up my car in the pouring rain at 9pm at night. The cars driving by must have thought I was really weird. I was freezing so badly! I think I caught a minor cold.

Lessons learned: Don't wash your car in the rain at night.

Or wash it while it's raining during the day and wear a wetsuit. ;)

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Wetsuit

I bought an awesome wetsuit, top of the line "O'Neil Psycho" today for a great deal! I wanted to get a wetsuit for a while to go surfind with friends. I feel like I'm living a "city"life here in SD going between the library, my house, and classrooms. Soon I'll be living in a big city and wishing I had SD beaches. I need to be floating in the middle of the ocean.

I bought my wetsuit on the way to class this morning. Then I really wanted to try it out in the ocean so I called up Jon Yan and we skipped Int'l Rela of Asia Pacific class to go swim the La Jolla Shores to Cove and back (1mi). The sky was beautiful and clear, the ocean was refreshing, the grass was green, and the sand was white. It was so great!

My wetsuit is so awesome!! I'm so warm in it! It was the first class I ditched all year so far (1.8 quarters), but I knew we weren't doing anything for class today.

Then I went to class and finished my Spanish presentation on the Indigenas Tarahumaras.

2005-03-07T14:42:00.000-08:00

Rockclimbing, plus being offended.

Pam Wan came rockclimbing with Dave Chiu and I yesterday. She's so popular that she effortlessly brought along an entourage of 5 other CBC friends with her. It was a great time of fellowship, but climbing lasted 4 hrs! That's a long time. Dave and I climb weekly for 2 hours. Then we all (7 of us) grabbed dinner together, then boba. Bad idea since finals are a week away for me.

Green Tea House was flooding with cigarette smoke from outside so I asked the waiter to close the door. He came back and gave me really bad attitude. He was acting stand off - ish. I was shocked, as I sat there with my church friends ready to react. Pam saw it coming and said my name twice firmly to keep me in check. I just sat there quietly and took the emotional and verbal offense because I didn't want to make my friends uncomfortable. If it was just me, Dave, and Alex, I would have stood up against him.

2005-02-25T19:15:00.000-08:00

Spiritual crisis that lasted three hours

I had one of those spiritual crises that questioned Biblical history and authenticity today. I overheard the philosophy TAs bashing Christianity and creationism, as usual, but one thing stuck in my head. The beginning of Matthew traces Jesus' direct lineage from Adam, but there is only a few dozen names. How can that account for the entire time that man has walked on Earth? Are the scriptures just a myth that can't be backed up scientifically? Surely the billions of years involved in evolution could better account for human history than the short timeframe of God's creation account and Jesus' relatively short lineage.

I've grown up reading the scriptures with a critical eye, like the Bereans Paul described. I don't just blindly believe what I read. I've wrestled through countless issues.

I walked away toward Geisel library this afternoon after a day of TAing, and I had a lot of essays to write and grade. But I felt God tell me to chill on a park bench in Price Center and wait on Him. So I sat for a while, bowed my head and told Him about my spiritual crisis.

Suddenly I realized that I'd been through this crisis before, maybe 4 years ago. My mind flooded with thoughts as if scales fell off of the my mind's eye. I felt like He was saying, "If I'm God, and if I created everything, couldn't I do it in 7 days if I wanted? If I created everything in 7 days, couldn't I create everything to have preset age? Remember Genesis, did I create Adam as an infant? No. Did I create Eve as an infant? No. Couldn't I create the Earth to give off an older carbon date if I wanted? Yes."

I felt like Job at the end of his book when God showed him who's boss. Job ignorantly questioned God toward the end, but the last chapter is filled with God showing Job how powerful He really is. Ironic to this discussion, he shows Job his power by asking him, "Where were you when I laid the foundations of the Earth?" A question about creation.

So I sat on the bench humbled and refreshed from not rushing head first into hours of studying, but spent that time with Him. I had foolishly looked at God through the eyes of my worldly philosophy friends. They put a million constraints on God purely based on their own limited understanding. God is not restricted to our time and space. Who's to say he couldn't create an old Earth? It's really not that hard to imagine for those who see God as he really is, in all his power and abilities. It is very hard to imagine for those who don't see Him, but it doesn't mean He's not there.

2005-02-25T12:27:00.000-08:00

WCC

I went to World Christian Conference this past weekend. Pastor Jimmy from Antioch Church in Waco, Texas, was the speaker. He was so radical and convicting! My prayer life has been transformed after that conference, and my walk with Him has been drastically improved. One point P Jimmy made was so have strong devotions, not just a few minutes but real time with the Lord. He said, "I need an hour a day just to keep out of sin!" How true for us guys!

What was more amazing was the drive up and down. I carpooled with a Korean couple from LA that I didn't know before the conference. The husband, Semmy, quickly became a mentor and father figure to me over those few days. I bombarded him with "son-like" questions on the drive down such as, "When did you transition from a boy to a man?" or "How did you learn to be a husband and father?" These fears and uncertainties have harmed promising relationships in the past.

His basic response was: Don't over analyze and just trust the Lord.

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Ph.D

My sister and dad are strongly urging me to go straight into a Ph.D program in Political Science. If it were up to me, I would do my Fulbright, do foreign policy work for 3 years in DC, then enroll into a full time Ph.D program and Johns Hopkins or Georgetown. But it's not up to me. There's a verse, I think in Proverbs: "In his heart a man makes his plans, but the Lord directs his steps." God has a way for throwing my short sighted plans out the window and blessing me with more than I could ever imagine.

I'm approaching my next step with a clear playing field, meaning that I may actually give up my job in DC or the Fulbright if He asked me to. Easy to say, hard to do.

2005-02-15T12:09:00.000-08:00

I'm so happy to see all of the comments on the previous posting. I often wonder if people really care about the stuff I write, so it was cool to see the 4 way discussion... and Jenn, you're totally not stumbling into a 3 way conversation. Danny's the one butting in... haha! Just kidding Danny boy. ;)

I really need to loosen up with my blog entries. Looking back, they seem a little too intense.

2005-02-12T23:21:00.000-08:00

A little publicity

I just found out that my grad school wrote about my DC experience in the recent newsletter. I was pretty stoked! However, they threw in a picture of me with Feinstein taken in SD, making it a little out of sync in terms of location.

http://irps.ucsd.edu/documents/Newsvol1no1.pdf

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God deserves all of the credit

Early on, ever since I read about God granting Solomon's desire for wisdom, I have asked for the same. In the midst of my ignorance, I ask him to shape this useless piece of clay which embodies all of me. Throughout the years of my life, I try to obey his commands and I grow. I disobey and I suffer at the hands of a good Father who teaches his son the path of wisdom. In the Bible, he tells us to ask him for anything so I him to bless me. I continue to seek him and ask his blessings even though I am so undeserving of His favor. He blesses me anyways.

I look at what I have and who I have become. Yet I am sometimes tempted to think that I am self made and that what I have came from the work of my hands. How utterly untrue this is! I simply look back at where I've come from and remember my foolishness. Yes, all that I have - current grad school, future work, future research abroad - all comes from Him. It's another reminder that He is so good to me.

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The evolutionists aren't in the sciences, they're in the liberal arts (and they're dumb)

I go to the philosophy / literature class I TA every other day to hear some God, Jesus, and creationism bashing. It's true. I'll send you my lecture notes if you want me to prove it, but I teach Nietzche (who said "God is dead"), Vasari, Heidegger, etc. They always point to "scientific principles" as their justification for evolution, which (pardon me) is a bunch of crap! Those philosophy / literature Ph.D's don't have a scientific bone in them.

I never heard so much anti-creationist talk before while I studies and worked in immunology and molecular biology. Back then I was on the cutting edge of co-stimulatory molecule research. I can draw cladograms (cladistic analysis) for microevolutionary phylogeny off of the top of my head. These liberal arts professors wouldn't even know what I'm talking about! Yet they are such proponents of "scientifically" backed evolution.

In a staff TA meeting yesterday, the lecturer talked to the director of the philosophy program.

The lecturer said, "I can't believe that people would still subscribe to creation... in this day and age. The Christians call it... what is it? 'Intelligent Design.'" My ears perked up because he was finally something that made sense to me - intelligent design.

The director responds, "Yeah, can you believe it? 30% of our students believe in God and creation!" If 30% of students believe in creation, surely there will be one student (me) out of 5 TAs that isn't athiest. Why have this judgmental conversation in my face? They were literally sitting 2 feet directly across from me at the table.

I wanted to say, "I believe in God, his creation, and Jesus who went to the cross for my sins." But I was too much of a wimp. Plus, they'd act all weird around me from then on. But it would have been 10 seconds of glory! His glory as well as mine for having the guts.

The truth is that science can only get us so far, and real scientists know the limits of modern science. It's the non-scientist who will put blind faith into science. The astrophysicist recognizes that the in the beginning there was the Big Bang, which is another way to say that something came from nothing (or more precisely - a small spatial point containing all of the mass in our universe, since there is conservation of mass). A cutting edge astrophysicist would correct the original Big Bang to say it was the "Hot" Big Bang, since Cosmic Microwave Background Radiation (CMBR) shows residue of current temperatures in space that points to extreme temperatures as the conception of our world. This is all junk off of the top of my mind from when I took Astrophysics at Berkeley or when I researched at NASA. The point is the science confirms and even points to the Bible. Science cannot explain how the world can come into being, but just that it became - parallel to the explanation in the Bible.

It's obvious to you by now how I get frustrated with people who really don't know what they're talking (my TAs, liberal arts professors, and my sister) about thinking that they know what they're talking about (proving evolution through science; discounting creation). People who do know what they talk about (scientist) wouldn't say the things that the people who don't know what they're talking (mentioned earlier) about would say. I went back and added the helps in parens. In short: (1) evolution is not as scientifically sound as people think and (2) science points to creation anyways (Big Bang).

I spent the day thinking about writing this as an article in Discipleship Journal. I think it will help people gain a scientific understanding against evolution.

That's my schpeal.

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By the way. After 8 months of preparing mentors, proposals, recommendations, I just found out that I was awarded the Fulbright! Glory to God! I am going to Taiwan for a year to research Taiwanese electoral policy with NTU professors, National Academy of Sciences researchers, and the Chief of the Political Section at the US Embassy (AIT). I put this announcement at the end so people won't get to it. Then I enshrouded it in words to cover it, since I kinda want my friends to find out but also don't want a big head about it. Let my pride fall down, I'm a little man (Supertones song).

2005-02-11T12:56:00.000-08:00

Someone just called me "Leslie."

What the heck?! That was definitely a first. I've usually heard "Daniel" or "Andy" but never a girl's name. The person who said it is one of my TA coworkers, not even just an acquaintance or something. Sad.

Ok... my student Kim is here to talk to me about essay writing, gotta go.

2005-01-26T11:36:00.000-08:00

2 Days ago

2 days ago I met China's Ambassador to the US, Amb Yuan, for the first time. He met a small group of student in my IR program, gave a speech, and took questions. I asked him about how the government is dealing with internal conflict, minority discrimination, and watched him dance around the topic like a good politician. Later I got a chance to chat with him personally and shook his hand. Cool!

2005-01-10T19:15:00.000-08:00

The "Dirtbags" accountability group. We call ourselves that because of our sinfulness, but these are some of the most trusted and loving brothers ever! Tim's wedding expressed his "chill" style, so the attire was sneakers.

2005-01-10T19:13:00.000-08:00

Tim (a true brother in Christ) and Stacey Chou, at their wedding this past weekend.

2005-01-10T19:12:00.000-08:00

Old friends Jerm and Josh Chien, from SD.

2005-01-10T19:10:00.000-08:00

High school (best?) friend, Lisa Hsu, showing me some melodramatic letters I wrote in high school; she found them in her closet a week ago.

2005-01-10T19:09:00.000-08:00

Ryan (Berkeley IV staffer) and Suki (in my freshman bible study '98), now engaged, came to visit me last weekend in SD.

2005-01-10T19:08:00.000-08:00

The UCSD IR/PS computer lab, where spent my long nights.

2005-01-10T19:07:00.000-08:00

My church, First Assembly of God San Diego.

2005-01-04T20:26:00.000-08:00

Boardgames during Winter Break at DLowe's place. Shannon, her boyfriend, Daniel, Cindy, and Candy were there.

2005-01-04T20:25:00.000-08:00

View from the lift... snowed all day for awesome powder.

2005-01-04T20:24:00.000-08:00

My nightstand. I really like the lighting effect of this shot.

2005-01-04T20:23:00.000-08:00

Mom and I at Snow Summit. 12/2004

2005-01-04T19:50:00.000-08:00

Embarrassing worship

I went to church at First Assembly on Sunday morning, where this couple was awkwardly standing in the second row during worship. Everyone else was sitting and singing, the lights weren't even dim, and the middle aged couple just stood there lifting up their arms and moving their body in worship. They totally stuck out. How embarrassed would I be to be so bold?

Then the words entered my heart: "Do not criticize anothers worship until you know what God has brought them through." I could only begin to imagine the dependence that the couple had on God. I just sat and thought about what miracles God could have performed in their lives to make them so passionate. I can see their passion, but could I see the possible grief in the past that would bring them into this kind of submission to Him? King David worshiped freely and even bore criticism from his wife for his foolishness, but only after experiencing God's providence in the depths of his despair.

Tears welled up in my eyes as I realized that these things are too wonderful for me to know. Tears streamed across my face as I stood too.

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Credit Card Debt Free

I paid off all of my credit card debt today, which kind of accumulated when I loved in the Bay Area 7 months ago. Praise God!

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Weddings and couples

Dude, I have a wedding to go to this weekend (Tim and Stacy), next weekend (Fred and Cindy), in Feb (Tim Mak and Amy), in March (I think?... Sam Chang and Trevor), and June (Ryan and Suky). Being content with God alone... good luck to me as I sit there alone, surrounded by couples. It's so sad sounding that it's actually kind of funny to me.

Last night one of my closest friends (Lisa Hsu) from high school invited my sister and I to have dinner with her parents, another older couple, her and her boyfriend Tom. My sister couldn't make it, so it was 3 couples plus myself. What was I doing there? Awkward... to say the least.

Life of David... life in Mono. (Stolen from "Life of Yobo... life in mono.")

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TAing Nietszche philosophy class

I'm a TA for a literature class that covers Sophocles, Shelley, and Nietszche (Quoted "God is dead"). The first lecture was all about how the Renaissance was a time when people turned away from Providence to Fortuna (Chance). It was a time of tension between Christian faith and reason, meaning that they advanced away from blind faith toward scientific reason. I'm supposed to teach that crap! Haha! So I sat there in the lecture hall listening to the stuff that I'll be going over in section, while wearing my InterVarsity sweatshirt and my WWJD red bracelet.

Evolving toward science away from God?! Berkeley forced enough molecular biology into my head that my little pinky has more scientific exposure that the room of liberal arts students combined (not to be cocky, but I'm mad). Science, reason, and truth point toward Jesus Christ. God is the architect of all that we see. History and testimony verifies the Word of Truth. I'm going to teach it all right... teach it my way. ;)

2005-01-01T15:56:00.000-08:00

Humbled and downcast... but so incredibly joyful!

I'm accepting a job offer in Washington DC that starts when I graduate from here. I can't believe I got my dream job in foreign policy! I'm so excited, but also a little sad these days. But don't worry, it's a good kind of sad where I am humbled by God's goodness and power. In my opinion, being humbled is a good kind of sad... which is hard to explain but maybe you know what I'm talking about.

Maybe I'm influenced by Ecclesiastes, since I've been reading it recently...

3 Sorrow is better than laughter, for when a face is sad a heart may be happy.
4 The mind of the wise is in a house of mourning while a the mind of fools is in the house of pleasure.
~ Ecclesiastes 7:3-4

Snowboarding with mom

I planned on driving to Bear Bear to spend another 3 days by myself snowboarding and for a personal retreat. Then I asked my mom to join me at the last moment. It was so hard because she was so picky about everything: where we stayed, how long I snowboarded, when we would get home, dangers of driving in the dark, dangers of driving in the snow. We came back after only spending one night there, and I learned a lesson about how my mom is not suitable for my carefree and kind of crazy style of traveling.

There's something to add onto my checklist for the ideal girlfriend: (1) Godly, (2) in IR, (3) has a Top Secret SCI government clearance so we can share about our day at work, (4) and can put up with and share in crazy adventures. Haha! If I was really so picky, I'd be alone for the rest of my life.

2004-12-25T16:44:00.000-08:00

Sweet Job Offer. Last conviction changing?

God works in strange and amazing ways in my life - and usually to show me how powerful He is. I have an example from my Bible when I was in China. It reads: "9pm 12/29/00 (I think?) sister is coming to Beijing tomorrow and I have no money to get a cab to pick her up (as I stressed). 11pm 12/29/04 mom just called from US and told me she just put $500 in my bank account." What the?!!

Anyways, my last conviction yesterday is challenged by the recent development from last night. I came home to a Fed Ex packet with the job offer of my dreams in Washington DC. It makes me see the future with more stability, as I can already picture myself building a solid career over the next few decades and loving it! That's definitely new, and makes me see life very differently with this new found stability. There's more to it... but I have to make garlic bread now for the Italian feast my family is preparing for this Christmas evening. More on my job stuff later.

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Praying for God to be gentle

When I was younger, like in high school, my youth group friends and I used to pray dramatic prayers for God to give us trials. We knew that trials would strengthen our relationship with Him, but He would really bring it on! I'm especially sensitive and weak these days, so I've been praying for Him to be gentle with me for now. I'm all for being broken, but I'm kinda already broken and humbled already... and not by circumstances, but by experiencing Him so fully during my time in Creel, in Mexico.

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Nietsche sucks

I just finished reading Nietsche's "Birth of Tragedy" last night. There's this part where he bashes Christianity so badly, but his arguments were pathetic. I could see the lost reading it and agreeing, but we know God from experience, human testimony, and the prophets from across the ages. I'll write more about it when I have the book in front of me later...

2004-12-24T19:52:00.000-08:00

Random Thoughts...

Demonic strongholds
Speaking of spiritual (demonic) strongholds in our lives, if Jesus cast out 7 demons from Mary Magdelene (Luke) and "Legion" (for they are many) from the dude at the graveyard... surely I have a few in my life. Seriously. Not like I'm necessarily possessed like Exorcist style, but I'm talking like weaknesses or special ways I am prone to fall to temptation. That's why we all need Jesus.

Humility vs strength
One person seems weak but is strong. Another acts strong but is actually weak. The former is the Christian, and latter is the world.

2004-12-24T19:39:00.000-08:00

Creel to Los Mochis to Tijuana, now in SD; Convictions

I just returned to SD about 1.5 days ago, in time to spend Christmas with family. I cut my 2+ week trip short by skipping La Paz and Cabo San Lucas on the Baja Peninsula. It was unrealistic to think I could make it down to Guatemala in that short time, but now I hope to go to Guatemala (or Cuernavaca) this summer to study Spanish.

I have had to much time to think and meditate on what God wants for me here in SD throughout the Mexico trip. Coming back feels like a return from a long retreat and I have many convictions:
(1) Integrate my faith and trust in Jesus into my daily life by being more bold about living for Him, reading the Word at school regularly, and just not being ashamed to be judged by others for my faith;
(2) Maintain my strong work ethic from this past quarter during this vacation, and spend half my days studying and reading my books;
(3) fully launch a company with Danny Cheng that help families cultivate loving relationships within through storybooks and activity guides, ties in with (2);
(4) I am convicted that now, as it has been over the past 6+ months, I should NOT even consider dating. I'm excited and fulfilled with Him alone, and I don't feel like this is the season for me to think about a girl.

2004-12-20T09:21:00.000-08:00

SD to TJ to Los Mochis to Creel.

I´m writing from the small mountain city of Creel, in the estado de Chihuahua, deep in the heart of mainland Mexico at the moment. It´s very cold outside, but it´s at the top of the Barrancas del Cobre (Copper Canyon), accessible only by the Ferrocarril Chihuahua a Pacifico. It´s a 3 days journey from CA.

I rode a 22 hr bus to Los Mochis (the turtles) about 6 days ago, spent a night there, then took the train to Creel. The Copper Canyon is supposed to ¨put the Grand Canyon to shame.¨ But, I didn´t think much of it; probably because my sister and I explored Zion National Park a month ago, with similar canyons as here.

This trip is adventurous and fun, but it´s not about the adventure. It´s about getting away from my life in SD, and looking at my problems and daily life from an outside perspective. I´m here to be alone with God, the read his word thoroughly, and think. Man, I´ve had so much alone time to think during this trip. I think about my friendships with classmates, girls, how to be a better student, future direction, and especially about knowing God more and more.

But I´ve also had quite a few adventures already, including a long hike to hot springs 3 days ago, and a 10 km hike to a really really dumb ¨elephant rock,¨which is definitely a tourist trap. 2 days ago, I sat next to Lake Arereko with 2 new German friends and just hung out all afternoon. I met a nice Christian father and son traveling team that invited me to their house in Montana for skiing in 1.5 weeks. A few nights ago, a mariachi guitar player gave me his guitar to play worship songs in front of the hostel... along with puff the magic dragon.

I´m leaving this remote town of Creel today for the beach city of La Paz. I´ve been in Creel for 5 days now because my costs are $8 for a nice bed, and $5 for food per days. Daily costs can be lower than $20 if I stop eating my expensive bistek (steak) for $9 each.

2004-12-08T13:55:00.000-08:00

Large Mountain Changed to Stonehenge

My desktop background is a good indication of my emotional state and it just changed from a large, unsurmountable, snow covered mountain into a nice picture of Stonehenge. The large mountain, which looks like Mt. St. Helens, really felt like this past finals week. I barely slept last night from writing a huge technical paper on the Taiwan SNTV electoral system... in Chinese. This finals set has been really rough on me!

Stonehenge represents the mystery as I anticipate the next month traveling by myself through Mexico. Come Monday, I will throw the internal frame on my back and head across the border. I will spend winter crossing through the Baja Peninsula to Cabo, then across the Sea of Cortez by boat to the Copper Canyon Railway, then take the railway to Copper Canyon (which puts the Grand Canyon to shame), then down to Guatelajara, then Mexico City. From there I hope to go to Guatemala, but it may be too ambitious for my 2.5 week break. I just really need to get out of this country, and I couldn't afford tickets to New Zealand or Chile. :(

As of this moment, I'm done!!! :)

2004-11-29T23:39:00.000-08:00

My Taiwan Memo for Making US Foreign Policy Class

Note: This is an academic exercise, and not a reflection of current US foreign policy in any way.

FROM: National Security Council (NSC) Advisor
TO: President of the United States (POTUS)

SUBJECT: US Foreign Policy Regarding Taiwan Integration into the Regional Multilateral Organization Architecture

ISSUE: China’s increasing dominance through multilateral organizations should be counterbalanced through involvement of US allies, especially Taiwan. The US should demarche East Asian leaders to encourage Taiwanese membership in regional organizations, and the Taiwan Relations Act of 1979 should be amended to reflect the updated US policy.

SUMMARY:
China is gaining considerable political and economic support as it increases its role in regional multilateral organizations. It is a key member in the majority of such organizations, and hosts the Shanghai Cooperation Organization (SCO) and Boao Forum within China. The US should encourage allies, especially Taiwan, to gain influence within these organizations. The Taiwan Relations Act of 1979 was implemented to ensure both regional security and the safety of the Taiwanese people. Regional security, as well as US interests in trade and regional politics will be enhanced with the suggested amendment to the Taiwan Relations Act.

BACKGROUND:
The People’s Republic of China is gaining regional support through its active involvement in East Asian multilateral organizations, creating a potential security concern for the US. China has been an key player of several regional organizations that have emerged over the recent decade. This is a potential US concern because, unlike the Association of Southeast Asian Nations (ASEAN) or the Asia Pacific Economic Cooperation (APEC), these new organizations do not welcome direct US involvement. Some speculate that China is hedging its influence in the region as a counterbalance to the US presence.

The official agenda behind these organizations are that they are generally for the benefit of regional trade, economic cooperation, cultural exchange, counterterrorism (CT) efforts, and other security collaborations. However, the momentum of regional cooperation will give key members such as China and Thailand political and potentially military backing in the near future. Reputable organizations with over 10 member countries and an active agenda include the Asia Europe Meeting (ASEM), Boao Forum, East Asian Community, and the SCO. The US, Australia, New Zealand, and Taiwan are all excluded from membership. It is within US interests to regain regional influence through integration of US allies into the regional multilateral architecture. An important near-term objective is to facilitate Taiwan’s entry into the regional multilateral architecture through a revision of the Taiwan Relations Act.

The Taiwan Relations Act of 1979 outlined US policy to maintain peace, security, and stability in the Western Pacific by promoting commercial and cultural relations between the people of the United States and the people of Taiwan. It was one of the more recent official statements between Taiwan and the US which specifically addressed six issues:

(1) The preservation of extensive relations between the people of Taiwan and the people of the United States.

(2) Declaration that peace and stability in the area are in the interests of the US and of international concern.

(3) The US decision to establish diplomatic relations with the People’s Republic of China rests upon the expectation that the future of Taiwan will be determined through peaceful means.

(4) Any effort to determine the future of Taiwan by other than peaceful means is a threat to the peace and security of the Western Pacific and of grave concern to the United States.

(5) To provide Taiwan with defensive arms.

(6) To maintain US ability to resist coercion that would jeopardize the security of the people of Taiwan.

US INTERESTS:
Potential military threat of China as a superpower with strong regional support.
Diminished US political and economic influence in East Asian region.
Decreased trade between the US and APEC / ASEAN due to new collaborations.
Marginalization of APEC and ASEAN organizations with high US stakes.

POLICY OPTIONS:
To demarche key East Asian leaders for their support in including Taiwan in regional organizations. This will be performed through official channels at the US Embassies toward the leadership of their host countries. Domestically, there will be strong popular support among the Taiwanese-American constituency and Congressional members sympathetic to the Taiwan Lobby. However, there will also be resistance from Beijing and their officials in Washington DC.
Approve: _____ Disapprove: _____

To amend the Taiwan Relations Act to include a new issue: (7) To encourage Taiwan participation in East Asian regional organizations, which will advance regional security through established institutions, conferences, and dialogues. As before, there will be strong popular support among the Taiwanese-American constituency and Congressional members sympathetic to the Taiwan Lobby. However, there will also be resistance from Beijing and their officials in Washington DC.
Approve: _____ Disapprove: _____

*All information found in this memorandum is from public sources. The above views do not reflect current official US views or foreign policy in any way.

2004-11-29T23:27:00.000-08:00

Finals crunch time

This is it. The next two weeks are the serious weeks to get down to business. I have so much work to do, and it can seem overwhelming, but I've worked hard all quarter and I shouldn't fear the end of the quarter. In the past, I would have been afraid of tests because I might have missed a few lectures or only done three quarters of the readings. This quarter, I had gone to almost all lectures, taken meticulous lecture notes, and have read every page of assigned reading.

I should be fully prepared to tackle the 4 long final papers that I must write on: (1) an analysis of National Security Council (NSC) current practices and areas of reform, (2) the Taiwanese electoral system (10 page essay in Chinese!), (3) Gucci Group future international business strategy, (4) public health concerns of the landfill community Fausto Gonzales. I do like this better than stressing over taking paper exams, to tell you the truth.

2004-11-16T18:44:00.000-08:00

UCSD Grad School: A long hiatus (3 mo) and back at blog

Quick update. I'm back at UCSD finishing my last year in my International Relations MA program. I decided to go International Politics track over Business or Econ. My classes this quarter are: (1) Making US Foreign Policy (love it!!), (2) International Business Strategy (Sony, Honda, WalMart case studies), (3) Program Design and Evaluation (working to help Fausto Gonzales, Mexico), (4) Chinese class (read newspaper articles, write essays, and give speeches).

My 5th class is Child Developmental Psychology, which I TA. TAing is sweet because my entire tuition is waived, along with health insurance, and I get paid $19 / hr for 20 hrs a week. You do the math.

I come back to school with this drastically different work ethic. State Dept really changed me. It showed me my direction, and what it means to sit there and do hard work for 9 hrs straight each day (sometimes overnight). I carry that back with me, and I haven't fallen behind one single page of reading. I usually get about 150 pages a day, at least.

I'm settling down with First Assembly of God in Mission Valley for fellowship. I love how those people are so on fire for God! Problem is that I don't have friends there yet. I'm kinda pioneering, but I would be blessed to dig in deep into fellowship with them. I'm looking forward to it.

2004-09-08T20:04:00.000-07:00

My corner office at State Headquarters, DC, with a window to the courtyard. Secret docs on my table (coverpage unclass).

2004-09-08T20:03:00.000-07:00

Press Conference at State Headquarters. This is behind the scenes to what you see on C-SPAN. Adam is getting swamped.

2004-09-08T20:02:00.000-07:00

The Met, in NY. 3 weeks ago.

2004-09-08T18:02:00.000-07:00

The State Dept Gym of All Places

I have been emotionally on edge for the past 2 weeks. More so since my trip to NY, for reasons specified below. Today, I went to the State Dept underground gym during my lunch break and worked out. Usually I'm very energetic, but today I was especially lethargic. Today is was triceps / chest / and abs. The room is surrounded by mirrors so I can make sure I have proper form. After each exercise I just sat and stared at my left forearms with words written in pen: "Beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord. 2 Corin 3:18." What the!! How appropriate, as I was surrounded by mirrors.

I sat there on the machine and dug deep into my soul to imagine beholding the glory of the Lord. That is the easy part. But how about "beholding in a mirror" as I try to see him reflected in me. That is more profound than I can grasp. I prayed to know what that is like again and again. To know that He lives within, and that His glory shines through. I wanted to have more of Him so badly, and to give myself up so completely.

Then I turned to the TV and saw the news of the video footage of the Chechen rebels in Russia holding the children hostage. For some reason, right there among a room full of diplomats, I ducked my head into my arms and cried and cried right there on the pec fly machine. My heart was torn from the brutality. How can such evil exist in the world? My heart was breaking for the things that break God's heart.

Right upstairs, about 7 floors above me at Headquarters was the Ops Center with emergency task forces that no doubt played a part in the Russian situation. Around me were State Dept specialists in the region, I'm sure. My heart was broken, and right then I knew that this is where I needed to be. This is the work that I will do, to stand up to the face of death and war.

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Pics

The pics I have included above are from (1) my office at the State Dept, on the fourth floor. I have one computer monitor with 3 computers (2 unclass, 1 secret). My desk looks clean bec it has to be cleared of secret documents every night or else the marines will get me busted when they sweep through. Out of the field of view are huge, heavy safes for my secret docs. Notice my window view to accompany my corner office. I'm so blessed!

Another pic (2) is from Adam, at the State Dept press conference where we watched him defend foreign policy. I picked up a few tricks on how to avoid direct questions, haha! Later, he gets swamped by reporters for an informal Q&A session off the record.

A third pic (3) at the Met in NY, where a guy just sat there with a pencil and drew the most amazing picture of the statue.

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NYC with Wes

I spent labor day weekend this past week in NY with Wes. Hours before I got on the bus, I felt that I shouldn't go. It was during my morning prayers that I felt convicted that I should stay home. However, I hate flaking out at the last moment bec it's disrespectful for my friends. I just can't break a promise. So I went, almost drudgingly (hope Wes doesn't read this).

Wes has an awesome apartment in East Village. It's my second trip there in 2 weeks. We hung out late with his med school friends, usually going out in a group of 5. In the late afternoon we would make Mojitos or vodka red bull before going out. Then we'd relax until 10pm, then head out club / bar hopping. I'd be his friend's wingman, we'd talk to girls, whatever. We don't get home until 5 am, usually after late night Ukrainian food at 4 am. The next day we would wake up at 2pm and repeat the cycle. It's really intense, but a lot of "fun." But this time is wasn't fun.

For a long time I've just wanted to rest in the Lord. I haven't been the same since about 2 weeks ago. Desperately, I just wanted to worship Him, play guitar, read His word, and rest my soul. It was like desperation. I was tired of the emptiness that the world brings. I wanted the joy that only comes from Him. It took me days to recover from NY, but I learned that I need to listen to Him, even if the consequence is letting down a friend.

2004-09-02T20:03:00.000-07:00

Fulbright

Ok, so my academic advisor Susan Shirk, who just happens to be the former Deputy Asst Secretary of State for EAP, recommends that I pursue: particularistic vs programmatic policy resulting from the electoral policy as Taiwan continues to transition into democracy. It just means: do politicians serve a broad constituent base or narrow interests. My project is coming together nicely from loose ideas. I have a dozen books out from the State Dept library on the topic of Taiwan, and a folder 2 inches thick on related academic articles that I've read. I'm 1/3 of the way through writing my 2 page proposal.

So far I have sponsors from: an AIT (US Embassy in Taiwan) Political Officer, a US Dept State Taiwan Country Desk Officer, an NTU (Taida) professor, UCSD professors, a Academia Sinica (Acad of Sciences) researcher, and a Gallop Organization researcher. It's looking great! It was also so much hard work getting these interlocutors together to support me in this project.

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Amaziah and Uzziah

These two OT kings reaffirm the age old principle that we are blessed when we walk with him and destroyed when we stray. It's classic, and assured. Life lived in obedience to him is life lived wisely and to the fullest. Rebelling from him gets us into so much trouble.

People mistake Christians as being "nice," but I don't agree. Being nice is a characteristic and definitely a fruit of our joy, but it's really about being "real" with people. Christians have a center in Him and the world is so superficial upon comparison. I don't like how Christians are known for being nice, I'd prefer being known for being geniune. So I will stop being nice from now on. Haha! Just kidding.

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Foreign Service recent FSI grads

My friends at State that just finished the Foreign Service 7 week training to become diplomats for the US. 12 of the 91 got posts in China, including my friend Jessica from UCSD IR/PS who's going to Shanghai. I'm so jealous.

But I'm actually glad that I'm not entering the foreign service now. From what I hear, you lose all privacy to diplomatic security and you can't get out without leaving State entirely. I'm not ready for a life commitment like that at my age. It was a blessing that I didn't get in last year when I went to oral exams, God always knows best and works it out for me through circumstances. Praise God! I'm much better off entering in 3 years, ideally after I'm married. 27 sounds about right.

2004-08-31T20:32:00.000-07:00

End of an Era

I have officially ended my flirtation with the world. The world has nothing for me. My place is with the family of brother and sisters in fellowship.

Unfortunately, I'm the kind of kid that had to touch to stove to know that it's hot. The past year or so has been a good experience, but now I know what I want... and I want more peace and time with the Lord. I'm tired of the late night life and superficiality.

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Fulbright

I'm working so hard on my Fulbright scholarship to Taiwan. My current topic is the imbalance between domestic and foreign policy. My thought is that the domestic institutions that keep the leaders in power contrast with the well-being of the US-China-Taiwan relations. President Chen tries to appeal to the popular vote. I propose that appeasing domestic interests directly goes against maintaining international policy well-being. Therefore I propose an increase in the authority of the Foreign Minister.

Unfortunately, it's sounding more like a case study than cutting edge political science. So I think I'm going to revise to look at particularistic (narrow) vs programmatic (broad based) policy based on the Taiwanese electoral system.

What's funny is that I feel like I'm writing this proposal and putting all this work into it just to give it up. It's something that I can walk away from if He desires. Somehow, I feel like I will gladly give up this Fulbright for something more important in life. How cryptic.

2004-08-23T17:13:00.000-07:00

Just got back from NYC

I spent the weekend with my friend from 6th grade, Wesley Che. He's in med school rotations now and we hung out in the city late and talked until sunrise. We slept at 6:30AM. It was so great!

On Saturday night, I was at Wes' girlfriend's coworker's birthday party. I was the ultra-5th wheel since everyone had a boy / girl-friend there, expect for one really quiet boring (sorry to be mean) archtecture grad student girl. So I talk to her bec she's all alone. A few minutes into the conversation, she asks me timidly, "I don't know if it's wrong to ask this but... are you gay?"

What the heck?!! I didn't even answer her. I just stood up, walked to the other side of the table. Whispered that dialogue into Wes' ear and we both busted up laughing so hard! I think she was really embarrassed. Then I go over and tell her NO. She said that the earring threw her off.

Not so, I'm not gay. Just 'cause my dark brown Palladium's (Italian trendy sneakers with baby blue shiny stripe), match my belt, which matches my dark brown Kenneth Cole watchband, which matches my dark brown sunglasses, which matches the highlights in my hair, doesn't mean I'm gay. But my sister challenges me sometimes with. "But if you let yourself be, would you?" Shoot.

Much work at State
I came back to work and had so much to do, but I was so tired all day. I have 5 projects at the moment. One of them was to arrange a meeting between the UNGA (UN General Assembly) State Dept rep and our Asst Secretary. I wrote an email to the UNGA rep very casually, but later found out he was an ambassador. I was so scared, writing to an Ambassador or the Secretary of State calls for a huge degree of etiquette and formality. It's always Mr. Ambassador or Mr. Secretary, not 'sup Colin! Ok, I wasn't that bad.

Women's Rights
I helped a staffmember at the International Women's Rights office handle edit a soon to be published document and clear it with all of the country desk officers in East Asia. Suddenly she wants me on board to plan some big conference on Women's Rights. That's kind of cool. The theme is to symie human trafficking, prostitution, and to empower women into positions of leadership. Cool!

2004-08-23T17:02:00.000-07:00

Ambassador swear-in late last week

A/S Kelly.
I tapped him on the back, and he turned, "Hi, Assistant Secretary Kelly,I'm new at EAP / RSP, and I take care of your S Week Ahead for SecretaryPowell." I said.
"Oh, what office are you from?" He asked.
"Regional Security, Patricia is my boss, I'm a student at the Universityof California." I responded.
He paused, looked down at my badge and said, "Oh, David An, I'll remember that."
"It's an honor to work for your office." I added, like the brown-noser I am. Haha.

Evans Revere.
I stood in the Ambassador swear-in ceremony while sipping a glass of champagne. I stood just 10 feet away from Deputy Sec Armitage (2nd to Powell), and I wasseeing him for the first time. At the time, I had weaseled right to the front of the crowd. After Amb. Hale took her oath of office, everyone clapped and started to leave. I see Evans (acting A/S for entire East Asia Bureau), so I smile at him since we met last week. Evans Revere turns to me and says, "That could be you someday."
I'm dumbfounded, and tried to say something funny, but couldn't think of something appropriate, so I responded whimpily... "This is exciting!"

2004-08-14T10:29:00.000-07:00

A Great Week

This week, I had such a great time. I went to a showing of a political talkshow, Crossfire, at GWU with State co-workers. I also attended a Press Conference at State and watched Adam, the spokesman, defend US foreign policy tactfully. I really need to learn those skills for my oral assessment, the final step in the foreign service officer test. That's what got me the first time.

I had a special tour of the Operations Room at State, where task force teams deal with international crises. I saw the highly secure command center, with people at work. On the way to the Ops Room, security let me pass through the diplomatic sitting rooms and right by Colin Powell's office. That area of State is so beautiful, while the rest can look institutional.

On Friday, my supervisor, the Chief of the Regional Security Office, brought me to a Deputies meeting. It was very intimidating to be the only young person in a small meeting room with the Assistant Secretary and the chiefs of all the departments. When it was my supervisor's turn to speak, right off first introduced me as "David, the one handling the East Asian Affairs calendar, National Security calendar, and the Assistant Secretary's weekly updates," while all eyes were one me. The acting Assistant Secretary, who answers directly to Colin Powell, then personally welcomed me to the group. I was so excited to be there! I hope I will be back as a more permanent member of that group someday.

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Preliminaries complete

A quick recap of my second week in DC, I finished the preliminary study of my first major research project here for the Regional Security Office, Bureau of East Asian Affairs, at State. It turned out to be a 20 page project, which is good for spending only 4 days on it. One word is centered on both the header and footer: Classified. So it's not something I can discuss, period.

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Today's plans

My roommate is in CA now, so I have the whole place to myself, which isn't that great because I don't like being by myself. Today, during this quiet time to myself, I finally have a chance to rest and regroup. I'm reading a writer's style manual along with a Women's Study Bible (since I can't find my own), all while I wait for my laundry.

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Fellowship at CCC

I'm starting to be more involved with CCC, which is great because they are such an inclusive and encouraging group. I'm used to co-workers who are quite the opposite, who plan exclusive parties where only a few people are invited. I'm attending church tomorrow by myself, and they also invited me to another going-away party later that night. The church crowd, juxtaposed with the outside world, is so much more sensitive, caring, real, and loving. My other friends just party superficially, drink, and act like friends when they really care a lot more about themselves than for you.

2004-08-08T18:41:00.000-07:00

Chinese Christian Church

Nancy from CFC Berkeley brought me to her church in the area. It was pretty cool and I met a lot of great people. We just make fun of each other the whole time, which is strange because they see her as this nice, quiet girl. I'm dispelling that myth. Haha!

I ran into a guy, Rob, at CCC that went to China and did missions. It turns out the we both volunteered at the same orphanage. What's crazier is that he was there hanging out at that orphanage with Steven Curtis Chapman! Cool! He's also friends with the youth pastor of my church in SD. Random.

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Shopping in DC

It is so incredibly hard to buy stuff in DC without a car. I need to take the metro to Pentagon Square or walk 8 blocks to M St. For the past 2 days I went everywhere looking for shirts and dress socks. The exciting thing is that I bought my first "Club Monaco" button down shirt! I was so excited because it was $65 marked down to $19! It is so cool, bec the front has cool lavender stitching on a white and gray background. You'll have to have a queer eye to appreciate it, which I do.

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Apparently I'm "gorgeous"

I stood outside of Cafe Asia (trendy restaurant / bar) on Friday night near Dupont Circle (gay area) trying to talk on the phone with my mom. As was on the phone, some small, thin, homeless man tried to talk to me. He sounded really affeminate, but I gave him some change. Then he looks at me and says in a girly voice, "You're gorgeous," as he looked me up and down. I felt like a piece of meat on display for him, which was funny.

My response, "Too bad girls don't think so!" Haha.

Then he says, "What are you? Korean? Japanese? I like Korean." Imagine this all spoken with the most sexy voice a homeless man can muster up.

"No, I'm Chinese," I responded.

"Oh, well, you don't have to tell people that! You can just say that you're Korean. I like Korean." He asserted.

Okay, that was interesting. But I actually wasn't uncomfortable at all. I thought he was really nice, so I said my goodbyes and joined my friends for dinner. It was the dinner after the Martini happy hour, before Adams Morgan, and much before my friends disowned me later that night. Sad. :(

2004-08-07T06:30:00.000-07:00

Colin Powell, Tuesday

The second day I was at work, there was this huge commotion in the C St lobby when I heard over the radio: "He is arriving now." Doors were propped open wide, and security become extra tight for those few moments. I stood near the doors waiting for my security badge when suddenly a stretch limo pulled up and Colin Powell walked in! I tried to act non-chalant, as if I didn't notice or care while all other eyes were fixed on his entry. Should I shake his hand? Try to meet him? Yeah right, not with the crazy security detail and special forces outside.

He walks by me, passing within 5 feet of me in a relatively empty lobby. A woman civil servant crossing his path stops out of respect for him to pass first. He freezes before getting to her, motions her across his path, and says, "Come on now, we all have work to do," in a gentle manner. By now the whole room is smiling, especially her, as he reaches her hand out and embraces hers. Then he disappears behind security gates, leaving a room full of smiling security and staff. Colin Powell is definitely my favorite American public figure of all time!

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Friday Night Out

My friends here in DC have been here for 2 months, so the novelty of going out has already worn off. That's unfortunate, because now it's hard to find people to hang out with on weekends.

Last night directly after work, I went to an going away party at a martini bar in Georgetown. Then after that, the group of 8 people went to Cafe Asia for dinner. Then my friend Jon from State (who I just met that day) and I met up with some UCDC girls for a night of dancing at Adams Morgan. We finished at 3AM and walked home.

I don't have a key to the place I'm staying and I didn't want to wake my roommate when it was so late. I asked my guy friend if I could just crash on his floor for the rest of the night, but he was so mean about it. He said cheesy stuff like, "Listen, I only met you today," or, "that's not the way I roll," or "don't make me be an a**hole." I was so offended that he was being like that.

When I went home early this morning, my roommate was so worried. My roommate stayed up until 4AM waiting and worrying, and even watched the news all morning to make sure I didn't get hurt. That was so nice and loving.

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Pictures

I really want to take pictures of my office and my daily life at the State Dept to show you. However, diplomatic security warns that "imint" (image intelligence) is just was dangerous as "humint" (human intel, spies). Plus, I don't take any chances with security in my office.

I get a daily reading folder full of cable transmissions in a folder marked "secret." It is lined in red, and there are government warnings everywhere. The cover itself is UNCLASSIFIED (in case DS is reading this), and I wanted to take a picture of the cover for my blog, but that may still be risky. So I decided not to. :(

2004-08-02T18:11:00.000-07:00

Free internet at the Library of Congress

The main reading room in the Library of Congress is so beautiful! I'm sitting under the rotunda now, writing this email.

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First day at the State Dept

I am so blessed! My boss is the nicest and most compassionate woman. She took me out to lunch, paid for me, and she is so supportive of my work in her office. She's also the chief of the entire regional security program office.

Needless to say, I'm having the best time at work. I sit and read "secret" documents about East Asian security for hours at a time, and I love it. I'm like a kid in a candy shop! They already gave me my first project, which I can't talk about but it's really cool. On Wednesday, I need to go to a press conference on new visa policy to take notes on behalf of all of the Asia desks (Bureaus overseeing Embassy policy). The work may be intimidating to an outsider, but it's so exciting to me!

The best thing is that I work in the main State Dept compound, in the same building as Colin Powell, but 4 floors below him!

2004-07-27T11:37:00.000-07:00

New York

Apparently, I belong in New York. At least my friend who just got back from there agrees.

jshanus1: haha
jshanus1: dude
jshanus1: GO TO NY and get a HOT model gf
jshanus1: seriously
jshanus1: do it for the team
tawei1: you're the best friend a guy can ask for!
tawei1: haha
jshanus1: plus I think you'd fit right in
jshanus1: everyone is dressed really nicely
jshanus1: there's SOO many fun things to do
jshanus1: you won't ever have a problem going out and finding something to do
jshanus1: it makes SD seemSOOOO boring
jshanus1: SOOOO boring
tawei1: I know dude, I'm so bored with SD

My friend is so funny! Haha! So supportive in this time when I'm going through harder times.

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State Dept bouncing me around

Good and bad news. Good news is that I got my security clearance a few days ago!!! Yeah!

Bad news is that since then, my file has been sent from diplomatic security to my coordinator to HR to the office of recruitment. I'm still awaiting final confirmation. Any day now... which is what I've been thinking for the past 2 months. :(

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Bon Jovi and Twister Sister

For some reason I'm really into Bon Jovi these days. I just got "Livin' on a Prayer" from Bon Jovi, and I love "We're not going to take it" from Twister Sister. It's just that I'm like a two and a half decades behind everyone else in society.

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Total Biotech Hookups, Dude!

Ok, I'm about to mention the biggest bio-related hookups in the world! If any one of my friends reading this is about to graduate soon in bio or want to switch jobs from public to private sector, this is for you.

A friend of mine is leaving Pfizer (so hard to get a job there), and he needs to hand off his "research associate" position in La Jolla, San Diego. It's entry level (not much experience required), he says his coworkers are so professional and nice, and the pay is roughly $50K / year with excellent benefits. They have their own unlimited business credit cards and stuff too! What the heck! I was only paid $30K out of college to do the same work.

He's leaving in a week, so get back to me soon if you're interested. This is golden!

2004-07-19T10:57:00.000-07:00

Toyed by Diplomatic Security

Why is the State Dept toying with my feelings? I only want to work there like a humble grad student. Don't they see that my summer is slipping away? Sad, sad, sad. I got another call this morning from them, asking more questions about my background from more agency forms they've acquired. This translates into more delays. Oh well.

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I'm hitting Pacific Beach today!

This morning I randomly woke up at 5 AM and went lap swimming at 6AM. Strange.

2004-07-16T17:27:00.000-07:00

My roommate Ed Ie, and I, at Les Mis in Irvine.

2004-07-16T17:26:00.000-07:00

My supervisor (at my immunology research job last year) and I dressed up for Easter and passed out eggs. I am the Happy Egg.

2004-07-16T17:25:00.000-07:00

Mad Egg, with micropipette and lab coat.

2004-07-16T17:15:00.000-07:00

Sam + Haily, a year ago.

2004-07-16T16:41:00.000-07:00

Again it's been a long time since I've last written. I included a bunch of pics that my ex-roommate recently gave me.

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Doors

We had some great times, but the doors seemed to be closed. For me, it's the distance among other things. Other concerns are about compatibility, personality, and future direction. God has taught me so much through this, and I am a better person. I'm glad that we're both mature and wise enough to move on with our eyes on Him.

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Security clearance

What's up with my security clearance? I feel like such a loser. I'm waiting for a dream that is slowly slipping away as September approaches.

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Love perfected

Epiphone. God's love is not perfected in us until we display that love to others. 1 Jn 4.

2004-07-08T16:44:00.000-07:00

Horseback with J Shan, D Lowe, Penguin, and Justin Chien in Rosarito, 2 wkends ago. Feasted on lobster earlier.

2004-07-08T16:43:00.000-07:00

First time Danny and I have changed motor oil ourselves, 2 wks ago.

2004-07-08T16:41:00.000-07:00

At Markus' going away party, with Steve really wrestling to try to throw each other into the pool.

2004-07-08T16:39:00.000-07:00

Han (IRPS, Feb) pulling jiujitsu on me, why am I always the one getting picked on?

2004-07-08T16:37:00.000-07:00

July 4th: Santa Monica with Pat, Tina, and Rainbow's crew.

2004-07-08T16:33:00.000-07:00

The mural my sister painted in Guatemala (May '04) expressing the exploitation of coffee farmers.

2004-07-08T15:47:00.001-07:00

Heavenly Man

It has been a while since I've posted, so I'll try to include pics above of what's been happening.

I went to the "Heavenly Man" testimony revival of Brother Yun over the past 2 days. He had amazing testimonies of fasting for 70 days or miraculously escaping from jail in China. It was easy for me to be skeptical of his claims on an intellectual level until he prayed for me. He asked us to kneel down as he placed his hands on Ben and my head. I experienced his passion for the Lord and a contagious fire in his heart as he spoke. I still don't know if the outlandish claims in his book are true, but I was impacted and changed. No matter what, his book is an encouragement to me and what helped make me depressed last night.

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So happily depressed

I generally have this happy-go-lucky attitude in life where nothing really bothers me. But if I don't let myself ever feel hurt, then it becomes hard to experience joy.

God had brought me to a place last night where so many externalities in my life were going wrong. I made a list: (1) I had felt like he was leading me to DC to a sweet job, but I'm stuck in SD. My classmates will all have meaningful summer internships and I would be embarrased to have nothing. (2) I have girl issues. (3) I don't even have a temp job these days, and I bum around bored. (4) I had a strange night last night where a few good friends and I got into a skirmish ending with a bit of damaged pride. (5) I still live with my mom. (6) I'm in major school and credit card debt. That list may not sound like much to the reader, but items (1) and (2) are falling apart and they are a really big deal to me these days. I felt like such a loser, and normally I just brush it off and I'm totally fine.

I let myself feel this frustration and hurt and placed it before God. I realized that those closest to God's heart are often the broken prophets not the "perfect" Christians. Brother Yu, the girl in China who wrote Canaan songs, and my Beijing house church pastor usually seemed pained by this world, their sin, and persecution. But they found hope in Christ, and not in worldly circumstances. I laid down my self-confidence (that I have a lot of) for God-confidence and it was hard, but beautiful, because I was happily depressed.

2004-06-25T13:08:00.000-07:00

In San Diego

My plans for dC had suddenly changed after talking with Ryan last week. He shared some advice to go home and let God open and close doors without forcing it myself. Returning to SD would be a financially wise decision.

It has been several days since I've last blogged. Since then, I've fixed up my room in SD (wallpaper border, 2 wall mount shelves, new lighting, plants, curtains) and it looks much more homey than before. I'm planning to find some temp work until my clearance comes through, which they say should be soon. If not, they have offered me the same position in DC for January to March if I choose to take more time away from school.

All is well. It's nice to see old friends in SD, and to binge on carne asada burritos on a daily basis.